this will be a mere memory

oh my friends, i don’t even know where to start right now.

as some of you may have noticed, i’ve been a little MIA. not just from the blog world, but from life in general. i’ve kind of slowed everything down and i’m not sure which direction to head in.

the reason for my blog absense is that i was in los angeles, california for the past 9 days. why, you ask?

 let me start from the beginning. lets actually go back to february. on february 19 (i believe that was the date…) i went down to boston for the biggest loser casting call. i’d been playing around with the idea of going, but never thought i’d actually follow through. a few of the casting directors found me on twitter and gave me a VIP pass for the casting call so that i wouldn’t have to wait in line. that gave me more incentive to go.

it was a freezing day in february. i remember every detail perfectly. alex dropped me off at the hotel and i walked in all alone with my head held high. anyways, i did my thing and then i left. alex, erin, and i went shopping around the city. we were in the gap when my phone rang. it was someone from NBC saying that i had gotten a call back.

amazing, right?!

i was on could nine. i had my on camera interview a week later.

now let me fast forward a few months.

i didn’t hear anything from the casting directors for a while. but i never gave up hope. in the back of my mind, i had a strong feeling that this was meant to be.

a few weeks ago while i was at dinner with my family, i got a call from one of the most amazing casting directors in the world, kerry. she called to tell me that i had made it as a FINALIST which meant that i would be flown to LA for finals week! crazy much?! and i couldn’t even tell anyone about it because it was confidential.

so on may 20 i hopped on a plane and flew to LAX. this was a dream come true. LA was the only place in the entire world that i wanted to visit! 

i can’t go into details about what went on during my 9 days in LA, but let me tell you… it was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. i don’t think i have ever cried so much in my entire life (COMBINED.)

i was crying for fear. anxiety. lonliness. hope. excitement.

i was able to do a lot of thinking while i was there. a little too much thinking, actually. my mind went crazy. which is when the tears started flowing. i learned a lot about myself during those 9 short days.

may 27 was one of the hardest days of my life.  it started amazing — i went on a walk through the beautiful gardens at the four seasons (where i was staying) with one of the casting directors, kerry. she became a very important person in my life that week.  we sat in the garden and talked about life. it was exactly what i needed at that moment.

she basically told me that whatever happened, i HAD to be proud of myself for getting this far. i had already beaten out so many people to get to this point. and she also told me that i HAD to do this journey regardless of whether or not i got on the show.

(also, while we were on our walk, we saw PINK! yes, pink the singer! she was staying at our hotel. pretty cool.)

little did i know that kerry’s advice would soon come in handy. a few hours after our chat, she knocked on my hotel room door with a sad look on her face.

she said “amanda, we need to talk to you…”

and right then, i just KNEW that i had gotten cut from the show.

at first i laughed it off. because that’s what i do with everything in my life. i HATE myself for this. i think that’s the reason i got cut in the first place. i can’t show my emotions and it hurts me in the long run.

when the news finally hit me i didn’t know what to do. i was alone in LA with no friends… no family. i was at a loss. i had never EVER felt so heartbroken before. i felt like a failure.

i still feel that way.

i feel like i let everyone in my life down.

why? why do i have to feel this way? it’s not fair.

the reason i wanted to be on the show in the first place was to help myself and then help the lives of other people. i wanted to show other girls who had been bullied that eating is NOT a healthy way to cope. that’s what i did to cope with bullies and now look at me. i’m huge because i ate my feelings.

i hate that i can’t share this with the world.

i think the thing i’m struggling with most is the fact that i usually get cut/not included in things because of my size. people see me and think i’m a failure because of the way i look. but what was the reason for me not getting picked now? it’s not because of my size. is it my personality? it hurts that these questions will never fully be answered for me. 

all i want is to feel beautiful.

on may 28, i hopped ON a plane at LAX without a dream and without my cardigan (any miley fans out there?!)

i really thought i had this. i thought my life was going to change because of BL. i felt like my dreams were all coming true. i saw happiness in my future. and now what? what am i supposed to do? i need answers. i need help.

i can’t write any more tonight. my heart hurts & i’m getting too emotional with writing all of these feelings.

i will leave you with a few pictures from my trip to LA



14 thoughts on “this will be a mere memory

  1. Tay says:

    Oh Amanda. You have no idea how excited I was when I saw this post. Amanda is back! 🙂

    I’m glad you got to experience some California sunshine! I’m a Cali girl myself, and I think that everyone needs a little California sunshine sometimes!

    I’m sending you big hugs tonight, girl. I’m praying for you, precious. You are so beautiful and loved!

    • you’re so right — the california sunshine is AMAZING. i didn’t want to leave and now i already want to go back… 😦

      thank you for the hugs and prayers tay ❤ they mean a lot to me and they are greatly needed. you're so sweet. i've missed your uplifting comments! but don't worry sweet friend, i'm back. xoxox

  2. Kim Sullivan says:

    Amanda, you are so beautiful inside and out. Honey, you didn’t let anyone down. But, I maybe you did learn some things: yes, maybe you struggle a bit with emoting ( for the record, so do I) – but this was for reality tv and sometimes, it seems to me, they are looking for folks with the opposite problem – waaaaay too much emoting – in any and all circumstances. You know, for DRAMATIC EFFECT.

    I know that I may be meddlin’ here a little…but, I think you are so bright and such a good writer and your story stands on its own and your reactions to your story ( yes, eating, but moreso, your kindness campaign, show me someone with more substance and wit than any reality show might lend to your story and message.)

    Yes, exposure is exciting, but premature exposure can be detrimental. I believe that better venues and media and opportunities must await you.

    One day, when you write your book, you can have a super cool chapter about the time you were hanging at the Four Seasons, same as Pink.

    I think your journey is still just beginning.

    • oh my goodness, kim! these words are EXACTLY what i’ve been needing to hear! THANK YOU. thank you. thank you.

      you are so right about reality tv… we never know what kind of person they’re looking for! i’ve heard that casting BL is like trying to put together a very specific puzzle. i might not have fit exactly like they wanted. i can’t be upset about that (even though i am, i have to stay positive here.)

      there has to be something bigger and better out there for me. there just HAS to be. i know my story hasn’t been heard enough yet and it needs to be. if i can save just one person with my words then i’ll know i have succeeded.

      my journey IS just beginning. right before i left for LA, my mom got me a necklace that says “the journey is the reward” — isn’t that the truth?!

      i’m starting my journey tomorrow. slow and steady.

      thanks again, kim ❤

  3. Brittany says:

    You are beautiful. And amazing. You can do anything.

  4. David LeBlanc says:

    Amanda, i too went to the Boston casting call (3rd time) and thr only time i was sent an e-mail requesting i send in a video. I spent 2 weeks with my brother putting together a tape that i thought would have at least got me to the naxt level for sure!! But, after several agonizing weeks (with everyone i know including my doctor asking if i headr anything yet) i recieved another e-mail telling me i was not selected to go any further. While i don’t know what, if anything, i could have done better, i do know i gave it my best shot. I won’t be trying out for BL13 because by then i should not have to because i will be doing it on my own. After seeing your pics i can think of only 1 reason why you were not picked. You were NOT what they look for in a girl. You are much too pretty now and when you do lose the weight you would like to( i know you will) you will not be any prettier just skinnier! (btw you also don’t need to lose as much as most girls on the show) They like girls who have fat faces and everywhere else (like Olivia and Hannah, no offense girls you look great now!) Anyway, you MUST also have a great personality to have gotten as far as you did because like i said before you really don’t need them! I wish you luck in the future and i’ll keep in touch on twitter. By the way as you can see i talk way too much! Maybe that’s why i didn’t make it!! LOL

    • dave!! hahaha i don’t know why, but this comment kind of made me laugh. so thanks for putting a smile on my face 🙂 yeah, you’re right — i don’t have a fat face! which is why most people don’t think i weigh as much as i do. i can hide it pretty well 😉 i will never know the real reason for not being picked… they had to have seen SOMETHING special in me for them to fly me out to LA… i just have to stay positive and know that i CAN and i WILL do this on my own. please keep in touch on twitter 🙂 i’d love to hear more from you!

  5. sam says:

    I actually just found your wordpress and happen to read this and you are such an amazing person and your going to go far without the show!! this is your time and you will help so may people I am the same way I am starting a huge weight loss journey like from 440 to healthy and you inspire me!!
    always sam

    • wow sam, thank you! you’re right — this IS my time! actually, this is OUR time! i’ll be here every step of your journey. i promise 🙂 and keep reading because i’m going to be transitioning this blog into more of a weight loss/inpsirational blog! i’ll be including recipes and tips! thanks for reading! xo

  6. Heather says:

    I can’t imagine what you must be feeling, but I want you to know that I am so proud of you! You took a big risk, by putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable and most people wouldn’t have the guts to step out like you did. I love you so much and I know you can do this!

    • i love you SO much heather ❤ thank you. it's going to be a long journey but i KNOW i can do it if i put my mind to it… never in a million years did i think i'd be able to take such a big risk but i'm so glad that i did. xoxoxox

  7. Sami says:

    good lord. you make me so teary-eyed. i love you so much, and i wish i could make you see just how beautiful you are inside and OUT. someday it will all come together; have faith xoxoxo

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