oh my friends, i don’t even know where to start right now.
as some of you may have noticed, i’ve been a little MIA. not just from the blog world, but from life in general. i’ve kind of slowed everything down and i’m not sure which direction to head in.
the reason for my blog absense is that i was in los angeles, california for the past 9 days. why, you ask?
let me start from the beginning. lets actually go back to february. on february 19 (i believe that was the date…) i went down to boston for the biggest loser casting call. i’d been playing around with the idea of going, but never thought i’d actually follow through. a few of the casting directors found me on twitter and gave me a VIP pass for the casting call so that i wouldn’t have to wait in line. that gave me more incentive to go.
it was a freezing day in february. i remember every detail perfectly. alex dropped me off at the hotel and i walked in all alone with my head held high. anyways, i did my thing and then i left. alex, erin, and i went shopping around the city. we were in the gap when my phone rang. it was someone from NBC saying that i had gotten a call back.
i was on could nine. i had my on camera interview a week later.
now let me fast forward a few months.
i didn’t hear anything from the casting directors for a while. but i never gave up hope. in the back of my mind, i had a strong feeling that this was meant to be.
a few weeks ago while i was at dinner with my family, i got a call from one of the most amazing casting directors in the world, kerry. she called to tell me that i had made it as a FINALIST which meant that i would be flown to LA for finals week! crazy much?! and i couldn’t even tell anyone about it because it was confidential.
so on may 20 i hopped on a plane and flew to LAX. this was a dream come true. LA was the only place in the entire world that i wanted to visit!
i can’t go into details about what went on during my 9 days in LA, but let me tell you… it was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. i don’t think i have ever cried so much in my entire life (COMBINED.)
i was crying for fear. anxiety. lonliness. hope. excitement.
i was able to do a lot of thinking while i was there. a little too much thinking, actually. my mind went crazy. which is when the tears started flowing. i learned a lot about myself during those 9 short days.
may 27 was one of the hardest days of my life. it started amazing — i went on a walk through the beautiful gardens at the four seasons (where i was staying) with one of the casting directors, kerry. she became a very important person in my life that week. we sat in the garden and talked about life. it was exactly what i needed at that moment.
she basically told me that whatever happened, i HAD to be proud of myself for getting this far. i had already beaten out so many people to get to this point. and she also told me that i HAD to do this journey regardless of whether or not i got on the show.
(also, while we were on our walk, we saw PINK! yes, pink the singer! she was staying at our hotel. pretty cool.)
little did i know that kerry’s advice would soon come in handy. a few hours after our chat, she knocked on my hotel room door with a sad look on her face.
she said “amanda, we need to talk to you…”
and right then, i just KNEW that i had gotten cut from the show.
at first i laughed it off. because that’s what i do with everything in my life. i HATE myself for this. i think that’s the reason i got cut in the first place. i can’t show my emotions and it hurts me in the long run.
when the news finally hit me i didn’t know what to do. i was alone in LA with no friends… no family. i was at a loss. i had never EVER felt so heartbroken before. i felt like a failure.
i still feel that way.
i feel like i let everyone in my life down.
why? why do i have to feel this way? it’s not fair.
the reason i wanted to be on the show in the first place was to help myself and then help the lives of other people. i wanted to show other girls who had been bullied that eating is NOT a healthy way to cope. that’s what i did to cope with bullies and now look at me. i’m huge because i ate my feelings.
i hate that i can’t share this with the world.
i think the thing i’m struggling with most is the fact that i usually get cut/not included in things because of my size. people see me and think i’m a failure because of the way i look. but what was the reason for me not getting picked now? it’s not because of my size. is it my personality? it hurts that these questions will never fully be answered for me.
all i want is to feel beautiful.
on may 28, i hopped ON a plane at LAX without a dream and without my cardigan (any miley fans out there?!)
i really thought i had this. i thought my life was going to change because of BL. i felt like my dreams were all coming true. i saw happiness in my future. and now what? what am i supposed to do? i need answers. i need help.
i can’t write any more tonight. my heart hurts & i’m getting too emotional with writing all of these feelings.
i will leave you with a few pictures from my trip to LA