i am feeling a bit more optimistic now than i was before i wrote my last blog post… notice that i only said “a bit more” — thank you for all of the kind words and sweet comments ❤ it was a hard one for me to write, but i’m glad that i did! it all needed to be said.
saturday morning i went on a walk on the beach with my sweet mama. it was the perfect start to this beautiful weekend! and it was also fitting because saturday was the day that i OFFICIALLY started my new healthy lifestyle.
yes, i said it. it’s official.
(we did the same exact walk on sunday.)
walking on the beach is hard stuff! especially in the deep sand. i’m already feeling it in my legs! but i love that kind of pain and know it’ll be worth it.
not only was the walk good for my physical self, but it was also helpful for my mental state. my mom and i were able to have some good conversation.
we talked about my friends. the biggest loser. weight loss. future plans.
you know… all the important things going on in my life right now!
i’m not quite sure how we got on the topic of my friends… but i’m glad that we did. she told me that it’s important to have a few REALLY good friends rather than a million friends that you aren’t close with. i’m talking like… the kind of friends that you KNOW will always be there for you. the ones that you can call in the middle of the night. the ones that will love you no matter what.
my mom also told me that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the person. it doesn’t matter if you didn’t grow up together. she met most of her very best friends later in life after she had kids.
i didn’t grow up with any of my best friends (except for alex, who i’ve been best friends with since the day he was born.)
while we were on the topic of friends, my mom made it a point to talk about two of the most important people in my life at the moment: sami and becky — one friendship that has recently been rekindled and one of my newest friends.
the two people who were there for me 24/7 throughout my time in california.
if it weren’t for them… i’m not sure i would have survived. not joking. they made sure to check on me daily and took time out of their busy schedules to chat with me every day.
it didn’t matter to them that i was hystarically crying on the phone with them 95% of the time. they listened to what was going on in my heart and always managed to calm me down. they picked me up from my lowest of lows.
(even if they were at work!)
my mom told me that she is SO happy that i have such amazing people in my life (and so am i!) my friends are my rocks. i lean on them a little too much sometimes… but the true friends will always remain by my side. through everything!
so thank you, sami & becky. i love you ladies more than i could put into words!
after that, the conversation took an emotional turn…
my mom said — “amanda, i want you to be happy… and right now, i know you aren’t.”
it’s the truth. i’m not exactly happy.
do you know how hard it is for me to admit that?
i’m not happy with where i am in my life. where am i right now? where am i going? i don’t know the answers to any of these questions.
i’m stuck… yes, that’s what i am.
i’m stuck here and i don’t know how to get out.
i want SO much in this world.
i want to change lives. i want to change the world.
is that too much? do i dream too big?
i guess i can also say that i’m scared. i’m comfortable in my life right now. bored, but comfortable. part of me feels like i want to change it up and move across the country but the other part of me is afraid. afraid of what? afraid of moving away and being alone… being away from everyone who matters in my life. afraid of starting new.
honestly? i’m afraid that i’ll end up being unhappy forever because i won’t be brave enough to take chances and follow my dreams.
and do you want to know WHY i’m too scared to follow my dreams? it’s because of my apperance. i’ve always been extremely self concious of my apperance because of what i went through when i was younger (bullying.) everywhere i go i feel like people are judging me because of my size. it’s hard to go through life feeling this way.
so because of this, i feel like if i move away, there will be a whole new crowd of people ready to judge me. i’ve gotten used to it here… i know which people to avoid and where to stay away from.
(i realize that all of you will probably think i’m insane after reading this post…)
but i’m just telling ya’ll the truth.
i try so hard to cover up the fact that not everything is perfect and that i’m not happy with where i am. i cover it up with a smile (which i think i’ve mentioned before.)
i’ve made the first step in making changes in my life. and that first step was acknowledging that i NEEDED change in the first place. i’m kind of embarrassed to do this, but i’m including a “BEFORE” picture of me to look back at when i need inspiration to workout harder. —–>
well world, there you have it. my before shot. lets hope that i don’t look anything like this at the end of the summer.
i’m going to try my hardest.
i’m hoping and praying that this upcoming week provides me with some answers… answers like “yes, amanda, you ARE in the right place right now.” and “don’t worry because everything WILL be okay!”
i KNOW that everything happens for a reason and that God has my life planned out exactly how it should be… but WHY did God have to take my number one dream away? i know God doesn’t want me to be struggling like this.
but i’m struggling right now.
asking for prayers please.