the daily struggles

a lot has happened in the past couple days… i began my new healthy lifestyle by completely switching up my diet and by exercising 6-7 days a week for 3 hours at a time.

i was on top of the world for a few days.

then i got my medical testing results from when i was in california.

it basically just told me that my life WILL be cut very short if i don’t start making the proper changes in my life. it was so hard for me to read. it made everything a  little too real. i knew i was overweight, but i had no idea that i was THAT unhealthy.

it was a wake up call for sure.

i’m choosing to use that information as MOTIVATION to work harder. i have to. i have no other choice. i don’t want to die at such an early age because of something i had the power to change. i kind of thought i was invincible until i read that number on the page.

i got a new shirt in the mail today… a purple biggest loser shirt. everytime i wear it, it’ll be a reminder of the hard work i have to put into this journey.

all of these medical results got me thinking… a 22 year old shouldn’t have to worry about this kind of stuff. it doesn’t seem fair.

but it is fair.

i got myself into this situation and now i need to get myself out of it.

i can blame my weight gain on being bullied all i want. but at the end of the day, I am the one who put the food in my mouth. yes, those girls hurt me in so many ways to the point where i felt like i was useless… so i would eat to heal the pain. but what good did that do? none. it caused a bigger problem. one that i need to get out of. now. before it’s too late.

lately i’ve been having the problem with feeling that my friends have NO idea what i go through on a daily basis with being overweight.

being 22 years old and overweight in a world that focuses so much on outward appearance is hard for anyone to understand if you aren’t experiencing it.

do you want to know what it’s like?

————————————————————————–

a 22 year old shouldn’t wake up and have to fake a smile when they look in the mirror: i can’t look at my body. i refuse. i chose to only look at above the neck.

you should know that i have so much extra weight that getting out of bed in itself is a struggle for me on most days. i have to force myself out.

i shouldn’t have to worry about my shirt somehow riding up and people seeing my stomach.

you should know that before i sit on some kind of exercise ball, i have to check the weight limit so that i know it won’t pop when i get on it.

every single time i sit on a chair, i worry about breaking it.

when i was in high school, my french classroom had bench seating instead of chairs and i couldn’t fit in the row so i had to sit in the back where i was able to have room.

you should know that i had to skip an entire weeks worth of classes because we were learning how to do blood pressure and i didn’t want any of my classmates to know that my BP might be high.

i also had to skip that class when we were learning how to measure body fat percentages with skin fold calipers because there was no way i was showing my stomach to my peers.

a 22 year old shouldn’t worry about  wearing shorts/skirts/dresses for long periods of time: but i do. because my legs will start rubbing together and will start to bleed.

a person should be able to walk from one building to another without being “moo’ed” at.

when i’m on an airplane, i worry that people will sigh when they see that they have to sit next to me, a big girl, on a long flight.

a 22 year old shouldn’t worry about wearing tank tops when its 90 degrees outside. but i do. because i don’t want people to stare at my arms.

you should know that i worry about people seeing the tags inside my clothes and judging me for what size i am.

it hurts knowing that i can’t shop where all my friends shop. j.crew is my favorite store and i can’t even fit into their bottoms. only their tops (and only a select few.)

you should know that when i’m in forever 21 with my friends, i just pretend to try clothes on so that i’m not left out. i know the clothes won’t fit. so i just stand in the dressing room and pretend that i just “didn’t like” what i was trying on.

—————————————————————–

i could go on for days with this list. that’s why i’m changing my life… so that i’ll never have these struggles ever again. it actually felt good to get those written. i’ve never expressed those feelings before… and i hope everyone will now be able to understand where i’m coming from.

everyday is tough.

losing weight is hard work. it might be the hardest thing i’ll ever have to face.

but i’m ready.

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12 thoughts on “the daily struggles

  1. Danielle says:

    I don’t even know you that well, but I am super proud of you. ❤ you go girl. you can do this. and you will be MY inspiration to get healthier!

    • aw danielle, thank you! knowing that i am someones inspiration is MY motivation to keep doing what i’m doing! i know i can do this because of the amazing people i have supporting me. including you 🙂 xox

  2. Becky says:

    I LOVE THIS. You continue to inspire me every single day. I am so so so very proud of you and have no doubt that you are going to change so many lives by sharing your story. I pray that we could all be as real and brave as YOU. I love you!!!!

    • oh my lovely, i love how you tell me that i inspire you while at the same time YOU are inspiring ME! i would have never been brave enough to write any of this if it weren’t for you. so thank you for that. and thank you for allowing me to be so open and honest with you. you’re a perfect friend and i thank God for you every day! i LOVE you so much!

  3. kfsullivan says:

    your heart and mind are stretching and you are gaining so much insight into yourself. I’m praying for you, sweet girl.

  4. Tay says:

    You are so inspiring! I am so proud of you and I wanna have the same courage and strength as you when I grow up! 🙂 I know that you can do this and I will be right here in the comments ready to cheer you on through it all. You are so presh (I stole that from MK :))!

    • tay, you are such a special friend! you know what? you don’t need to wait until you grow up because i can tell that you ALREADY do have that courage and strength inside of you.

      thank you for being one of my #1 cheerleaders 🙂

      oh pressshhhhy, i adore you! (i stole that from MK as well!) 😉

  5. Gail says:

    I’m on the healthiness/weight loss track as well. I’m 24 and the largest I’ve been, which isn’t very fun. You really spelled out clearly what it feels like. It takes a lot to make good changes, but it’ll be worth it! (That’s what I keep telling myself.)

    Even though I’m a random person on the internet, I’m proud of you!

    • hi gail! thanks for stopping by my blog 🙂

      you’re right… weight loss is NOT very fun! but it’s the journey that ends up being the reward. you have to keep that in mind. yes, it WILL be worth it!!! believe me. i have to tell myself that everyday. it’s what gets me through those hard work outs!

      and i’m proud of you, too 🙂 hope to see more from you in the future! xox

  6. Jaclyn Rae says:

    I just found your blog today and I’m so glad I did! I cried reading this entry because it’s so brave of you to write from your heart and let the whole world see. So many people will relate to your story. You’re a beautiful inspiration, darling! I am cheering you on and wishing you lots of courage and strength for the journey. ❤

    • aww jaclyn! THANK YOU!! that means so much to me… i don’t think i’d be brave enough to share my heart with the world if it weren’t for the KIND people like you who keep me going. so thank you for allowing me to do so ❤ i'll try to keep you updated as much as possible with the progress of my journey! keep in touch darling 🙂 xox

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