well friends, it’s currently 10 pm on a sunday night. i would normally be sound asleep right now (because i’m exhausted) but my heart was telling me that i needed to write.
i guess you could say there’s a lot on my mind. i don’t know if it’s because i’m tired, or because i just saw an inspiring movie (friends with benefits — not sure why this was inspiring to me. but it made me think about a lot of stuff)… but i’m feeling kind of emotional right now.
let me just get right down to the bottom of it : i need change.
some may call it a “leap of faith” — doing something NEW, exciting, CRAZY, different, adventurous, SCARY.
i’m stuck in a rut. i know i’ve mentioned it before… but i’ve never felt the need for change as much as i’m feeling right now. that sentence doesn’t even make sense if you read it out loud. and that doesn’t even matter to me right now.
i used to think that my weight was the only thing holding me back from reaching for my dreams, but now i’m realizing that there’s a lot more to it. my weight is just a small part… there’s a mental block in my head that’s telling me “why try something new? you won’t succeed.”
and that part scares me.
i guess you could say i’ve lived a pretty sheltered life up to this point. i’ve lived in the same house my entire life. except when i lived in a dorm room for 1 and a half years. but living in the dorm was out of my comfort zone and when i realized this, i moved back home.
when things get hard or scary, i run away… and i don’t want to do this anymore. i don’t want to continue living my life in fear. fear of WHAT? i couldn’t even tell you.
i want to move away. i want to start a new life. i want to be successful. i want friends. i want to be proud of who i am.
this weekend i went to a bridal shower for one of my dearest friends, becky. i got to meet all of the amazing ladies in her life… and as i got to know them, i realized that they all had something in common: they were all successful. and not only successful, but they’re all strong women.
they’ve all gone to school for something that they’re passionate about and they’re living lives that they can be proud of… i was honored to be around this group of people.
i could learn an important life lesson from every single one of them.
but i’m not gonna lie, it’s embarrassing being the only unsuccessful one in a group. i’m not successful. i’m not strong.
i’m not proud to say “yeah, i just graduated college and have NO idea what i want to do with my life.” it makes me seem like less of a person or something.
i just feel like i have a lot to offer to the world, but i’m too afraid to pursue anything.
i’m so sick of my current lifestyle. i wake up everyday with no plan. i can sleep until whenever i want because there’s no where i need to be. (i know this might sound good to some of you, but trust me… it’s AWFUL.) sometimes i go to the gym. sometimes i don’t. sometimes i go shopping. other times i stay home and relax. sometimes i go to the beach.
but one thing stays the same — every single night, i go to bed hating myself for this lifestyle. how can i be proud of myself? what am i doing with my life?!
i feel like i’m WASTING my LIFE. aren’t the 20’s supposed to be like… the best time of your life?! they haven’t been for me. i’ve let years of fun opportunities pass me by.
which is why i’ve decided that i need to take a leap of faith. somehow. i need to find the courage to make changes… and i know the courage is somewhere inside of me.
what will it take for me to do this? when will i be brave enough to step out of my comfort zone?
all i can do at this point is pray… pray that God will lead me in the right direction. right now my life is a blank canvas. can i ask for prayers from all of you, please?