leap of faith

well friends, it’s currently 10 pm on a sunday night. i would normally be sound asleep right now (because i’m exhausted) but my heart was telling me that i needed to write.

i guess you could say there’s a lot on my mind. i don’t know if it’s because i’m tired, or because i just saw an inspiring movie (friends with benefits — not sure why this was inspiring to me. but it made me think about a lot of stuff)… but i’m feeling kind of emotional right now.

let me just get right down to the bottom of it : i need change.

some may call it a “leap of faith” — doing something NEW, exciting, CRAZY, different, adventurous, SCARY.

i’m stuck in a rut. i know i’ve mentioned it  before… but i’ve never felt the need for change as much as i’m feeling right now. that sentence doesn’t even make sense if you read it out loud. and that doesn’t even matter to me right now.

i used to think that my weight was the only thing holding me back from reaching for my dreams, but now i’m realizing that there’s a lot more to it. my weight is just a small part… there’s a mental block in my head that’s telling me “why try something new? you won’t succeed.”

and that part scares me.

i guess you could say i’ve lived a pretty sheltered life up to this point. i’ve lived in the same house my entire life. except when i lived in a dorm room for 1 and a half years. but living in the dorm was out of my comfort zone and when i realized this, i moved back home.

when things get hard or scary, i run away… and i don’t want to do this anymore. i don’t want to continue living my life in fear. fear of WHAT? i couldn’t even tell you.

i want to move away. i want to start a new life. i want to be successful. i want friends. i want to be proud of who i am.

this weekend i went to a bridal shower for one of my dearest friends, becky. i got to meet all of the amazing ladies in her life… and as i got to know them, i realized that they all had something in common: they were all successful. and not only successful, but they’re all strong women.

they’ve all gone to school for something that they’re passionate about and they’re living lives that they can be proud of… i was honored to be around this group of people.

i could learn an important life lesson from every single one of them.

but i’m not gonna lie, it’s embarrassing being the only unsuccessful one in a group. i’m not successful. i’m not strong.

i’m not proud to say “yeah, i just graduated college and have NO idea what i want to do with my life.” it makes me seem like less of a person or something.

i just feel like i have a lot to offer to the world, but i’m too afraid to pursue anything.

i’m so sick of my current lifestyle. i wake up everyday with no plan. i can sleep until whenever i want because there’s no where i need to be. (i know this might sound good to some of you, but trust me… it’s AWFUL.) sometimes i go to the gym. sometimes i don’t. sometimes i go shopping. other times i stay home and relax. sometimes i go to the beach.

but one thing stays the sameevery single night, i go to bed hating myself for this lifestyle. how can i be proud of myself? what am i doing with my life?!

i feel like i’m WASTING my LIFE. aren’t the 20’s supposed to be like… the best time of your life?! they haven’t been for me. i’ve let years of fun opportunities pass me by.

which is why i’ve decided that i need to take a leap of faith. somehow. i need to find the courage to make changes… and i know the courage is somewhere inside of me.

what will it take for me to do this? when will i be brave enough to step out of my comfort zone?

all i can do at this point is pray… pray that God will lead me in the right direction. right now my life is a blank canvas. can i ask for prayers from all of you, please?

xo, A.

 

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18 thoughts on “leap of faith

  1. Brittany says:

    move to philly? because i miss you more than you know.

  2. Heather says:

    I can relate with a lot of what you’re saying! I don’t feel successful. I’ve been out of college for 4 years and don’t even have a real job, just a temp job. I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life. I feel embarrassed when people ask me what I’m doing, because most days it feels like I’m just struggling to make it through.

    It’s hard because society places so much importance on what we DO; it is how people are defined. Though we are called human BEINGS not human DOINGS. If I’ve learned anything from my years of unemployment and searching for what to do with my life, it’s that who you ARE matters more than what you DO for a living. And you my dear are an AMAZING woman with a beautiful heart!

    In the long run I think we are better for these times because we are recognizing that we can’t stay the same that we must change and grow, even if we’re not sure how. You are always in my prayers darling. And personally, I think you should move to the Pacific Northwest. 😉 I love you SO much and am SO proud of you!

    • wow, heather… i don’t even know what to say except THANK YOU! i needed to hear all of those words — you always have the perfect thing to say!

      i’m proud of you for not settling with a job that you aren’t happy with. i know you’ll do AMAZING things and the opportunity is going to come soon… i just know it.

      what you wrote about “who you ARE matters more than what you DO for a living” couldn’t be more true! i think i needed to hear that statement this morning. i know that both of us ARE amazing young women so not having our lives completely figured out shouldn’t matter.

      i’m so lucky to have you, ashlee & jenny in my life. my older sister triplets 🙂 maybe i SHOULD move to the pacific northwest… can you even imagine? love you darling!!! and i’m so proud of YOU! xoxox

  3. Tay says:

    Hello precious Amanda! So glad to be able to read your heart here on your blog today! You are such a blessing to me!

    I read on your twitter that you are thinking about applying for jobs in California? That’s a huge step of faith, but if you are following God, then really you have nothing to be afraid of! God doesn’t want us to live in a spirit of fear, but a spirit of strength and courage. And you know what? He gives us that strength and courage, if we just ask.

    Praying for strength and courage for you as you take some leaps of faith.

    Much love, Tay

    • hi lovely! soooo yeah, i threw around the idea of moving to california, but i don’t think that will happen for A WHILE! it’s always been a dream of mine, but i’m not sure when i’ll be comfortable moving all the way across the country… hahaha it’s a good dream to have though!

      thank you SO much for all of those encouraging words!! you’ve put a smile on my face once again 🙂

      i’m so blessed to have you as a friend, tay ❤ xoxox

  4. Pris Boucher says:

    You have grown into such a caring young lady. Be open to what is around you. God will help you to choose that special place that is waiting for you! There is a place just for you, I just know it….open your heart, you’ll find it! Pris

    • pris! thank you so much for reading this 🙂 and thank you for this encouraging message! you are exactly right about everything. i love that you’ve watched me grow up… the little girl who once tried to cheat at a game of PIG is now trying to figure her life out. haha

  5. You should be proud of who you are. You are an inspiration to a lot of people, Amanda. I know what you mean about the feeling stuck, sometimes I feel it too.. And you certainly are NOT less of a person for having a degree and not knowing what to do with it! so many people do the same thing.. it’s so difficult to decide when we are 18 what we want to do for the rest of our lives.. I mean for me, I got lucky as far as a job because i KNOW there is really nothing out there for anything around here that relates to my degree.
    Anyways, I think you are an amazing person and I wish that we hadn’t drifted like a million years ago because you are truly a spectacular person.
    Honestly, You should write a book about your ventures and about your weight loss journey, this blog could be a book. Just so inspirational to so many people.. I wish you the best of Luck.. 🙂

    • kristen! thank you thank you THANK YOU!!! i know my blog is normally uplifting and inspirational, but i was just having a little moment of doubt last night… i know that i’m not less of a person for not knowing what i want to do with my life, but sometimes i doubt myself… but you’re so right, it’s hard to decide our lives at such a young age! i know that personally, i change my mind ALL the time. there are too many things i want to pursue!

      i wish we hadn’t drifted a million years ago either… that’s what i hate about scarborough schools… you get put with kids from k-2 and you bond with them, then get seperated! if you weren’t on the same wing as someone, then chances are, you don’t even know they exist! it’s sad.

      hmmm a book?! really? that’s on my to-do list 😉 i would actually LOVE to do that 🙂 thank you so much for these incredible words 🙂 xox

  6. Meghan says:

    Amanda-

    Here I am, reading your blog during my morning routine at work, like i told you. LOL. It was so wonderful to meet you this weekend, and you are definitely selling yourself short in this blog! I admire your strength and courage to even write something like this, i don’t think I would ever be able to just ‘put it out there’.

    I too, always feel intimidated when people ask me ‘what do you do’. Although I have an amazing job, once i tell them what i do, the inevitable question of ‘where did you go to school’ or ‘what did you graduate with’ comes into play. It makes me feel less deserving of my position, when i tell them that well, after 6 years of college, i’m still not done with my Bachelors, and I really have no idea when I will finish.I do have my Associate’s degree, but as we all know, in today’s society that basically means nothing. Rarely does anyone take into account that I’ve worked my way up from the returns department in less than 4 years to essentially run the Marketing Department for one of INC 500’s fastest growing companies in corporate America. I also worked my way up at another company when I was only 19 to run the entire PR side. I think sometimes people put too much emphasis on the degree, or the job, instead of the hard work, dedication and talent behind it all.

    If i have one piece of advice for you, it is this: Pursue the unexpected dream. Ask yourself what truly makes you happy? It doesn’t matter if it is low paying, high paying, at home, across the country, has something to do with your degree or not. Just follow your heart and everything will be fine. Have faith in yourself that no matter what, at the end of the day you will be HAPPY and LOVED and that is all that should matter.

    When i first went to college i thought that i wanted to have a life in politics, become a senator, change the world, etc. because that is what my parents had always influenced me to do. My true passion is and always has been art. I just ended up as a graphic designer along the way, and i honestly wouldn’t change a thing because i absolutely LOVE coming to work everyday as I forge my way through my unexpected dream, learning things on my own accord.

    Although you may not have FAITH in YOURSELF yet, I do, and from this comment thread, it is evident that many FRIENDS have faith in you too. Honestly, once you find PEACE and HEALING within yourself, everything else will fall into place.

    XOXO
    Meghan

    • meghan, you really DO read my blog! i’m honored 🙂 and wow — what an inspirational and motivational comment! thank you!! i’m so happy that we got to meet this weekend, too!

      i guess it goes to show that no matter WHAT you end up doing in life, you’ll always be left with questions of doubt. like, “am i doing the right thing for ME?”

      i can tell you that after meeting you, i KNEW there was something special about you… you just have that amazing personality that could work with any job! and i’m so proud of you for finding something you’re passionate about — and AMAZING at, by the way! those invitations were the most precious things i’ve ever seen!

      i love that you call your job an “unexpected dream” because that’s exactly what it is. you followed your heart instead of your head and i admire that! so many people take a job just because it’s what they’re “supposed to be doing” when it should really be about doing what you LOVE.

      so thank you for this message. i’m going to take that advice and run with it… because i know there is some kind of amazing opportunity out there waiting for me! xoxox

  7. Becky says:

    Ahh I just wrote you an email but had to comment especially after seeing my sweet cousin Meghan’s comment 🙂 I am SO proud of you – I know I say that a lot but I really really am! You are so incredibly brave – Meghan is right! Most people I know would never have the courage to put their feelings & insecurities out into the world like this. Be proud of THAT! And I loved Heather’s comment about how we are human BEINGS not human DOINGS. So while I agree that it’s time to take a leap of faith and I completely support and will encourage you to seek out a job that will allow you to pursue your dreams and utilize your talents – don’t lose sight of the fact that who you ARE is what matters and who YOU are is beautiful, generous, thoughtful, creative and STRONG. I love you!!!

    • i love you SO SO SO much… thank you ❤ i just wrote you an email too so i won't bore you in both places! haha but thanks for this extremely sweet message. i have some amazing people in my life! i love having you as my number 1 supporter!

  8. This is the first blog of yours that i have read, and the first time responding to a blog. I can to an extent understand your feelings. I am 42 years old and trying to re-start my career. I have finally finished my college education. I had a great career but because of the economy I find myself trying to find that GREAT job again. It is not easy in a professional world to be an overweight female. I feel I am not taken seriously and my intelligence is questioned due to my looks. I dont make that great first impression like I want to. It is very frustrating and I struggle with trying to figure out why I retain this weight and keep sabotaging my weight loss efforts. I will say that one thing I have learned is that my job does not define me, my weight does not define me. They both affect me, and I struggle daily to make the changes I truly want to. Keep fighting the fight, focus on your accomplishments and take it a day at a time. Make a plan to meet someone in the morning for coffee or a workout so you are up and out and about for the day. Once you are up you will feel good that you are set your daily goal and go after it.

    • hi jaime!!! first of all, thank you for sharing this with me! it means a lot! you said it yourself, your job does not define you, and your weight does not define you… i LOVE how true that is! you are defined by your heart… and i can tell just by reading this message that you have a BIG heart.

      thank you for that wonderful advice! i’ll definitely use it 🙂 i have all the faith in the world for you… you CAN win this battle, too! i promise. i know that losing weight is hard work, but it’s NOT impossible. that’s what keeps me going… just knowing that it is possible. ANYTHING is possible!

      thank you for reading, hope you stop by my blog again! xo

  9. Sami says:

    youre not alone girlfriend– i dont know what i’m doing with my life either! and i feel like less a success for that reason too when someone says- what’s your dream job? and i have no response. sometimes, you just dont know and you have to take time to figure it out. you’ve definitely taken a leap of faith according to our conversation last night though, and i couldnt be more proud! i love you!

    • i love you so so sooooo much darling 🙂 like i told you last night, i’m so blessed and lucky to call you my friend. you make me so proud every single day! ummmm go kick butt at that talent show!! hahaha i’ll be thinking of you tonight!! LOVE YOU!

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