i think it goes without saying that losing weight is one of the most difficult things a person can do. there is no real quick fix. the problem can’t be solved overnight. and i think that’s why it’s so frustrating to people (myself included.)
we all want that instant gratification that comes in the form of RESULTS. and when we don’t see them as quickly as we want, we start to get discouraged.
i’ve been in a place recently where i feel defeated. discouraged. unmotivated. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve wanted to just GIVE UP! i’ve had that internal dialogue in my head so many times —
“amanda. you’re going to be fat forever. why do you think you’ll be able to change THIS time? you’ve tried and failed more times than you can count. you’re destined to be the big girl for the rest of your life.“
i’ll tell you right now, it’s that kind of self talk that will get you in trouble.
above all else, i’m scared. i’m scared that once i DO reach my goal, i might get back into my old habits and gain all the weight back again. this is a fear of mine because it’s happened before!
a little history: i first got over 200 pounds in 2001 when i was 13 and in 7th grade. by 2007 i was at 260 when i was a freshman in college. in 2009 i got to my lowest adult weight of 209. then what did i do? gained it ALL back and got up to 254.
my weight has been a constant battle my entire life.
i still have NO idea why i struggle so much! what’s the point of working THIS hard if the weight is going to slowly creep back up?!
& i am going to be battling this for the rest of my life.
example: i went away to philadelphia with some friends this weekend. i was only gone for two days. i let myself go. i enjoyed my time away. i ate and drank. i didn’t workout. i acted my age for once in my life. i lived as though i didn’t have a weight problem.
and what happened? i gained 3.8 pounds. in TWO days.
it’s THAT kind of thing that scares me. i’m sure everyone else i was with didn’t gain an ounce. a lot of people my age don’t need to worry about gaining weight from eating unhealthy for a day or two. but i DO. and sometimes i just CAN’T handle it.
is this what the rest of my life is going to look like?
- counting every calorie i put into my mouth.
- eating meals ALONE so i’m not tempted by everyone else’s food.
- working out for 2 hours a day.
- not going out to dinner with friends.
- hiding in back of people in pictures so you can’t see my stomach.
(prime example of how i hide in back of ppl in pics. this was taken on saturday)
i can tell you right now, that is NOT how i want to live my life.
i need some serious help. i can’t do this alone.
for now, i am going to continue my journey. i’m not going to stop just because of a little bump in the road. that’s not how i work. i want to reach my goals. i NEED to lose weight. i deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.