i think it goes without saying that losing weight is one of the most difficult things a person can do. there is no real quick fix. the problem can’t be solved overnight. and i think that’s why it’s so frustrating to people (myself included.)

we all want that instant gratification that comes in the form of RESULTS. and when we don’t see them as quickly as we want, we start to get discouraged.

i’ve been in a place recently where i feel defeated. discouraged. unmotivated. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve wanted to just GIVE UP! i’ve had that internal dialogue in my head so many times —

amanda. you’re going to be fat forever. why do you think you’ll be able to change THIS time? you’ve tried and failed more times than you can count. you’re destined to be the big girl for the rest of your life.

i’ll tell you right now, it’s that kind of self talk that will get you in trouble.

above all else, i’m scared. i’m scared that once i DO reach my goal, i might get back into my old habits and gain all the weight back again. this is a fear of mine because it’s happened before!

a little history: i first got over 200 pounds in 2001 when i was 13 and in 7th grade. by 2007 i was at 260 when i was a freshman in college. in 2009 i got to my lowest adult weight of 209. then what did i do? gained it ALL back and got up to 254.

my weight has been a constant battle my entire life.

i still have NO idea why i struggle so much! what’s the point of working THIS hard if the weight is going to slowly creep back up?!

& i am going to be battling this for the rest of my life.

example: i went away to philadelphia with some friends this weekend. i was only gone for two days. i let myself go. i enjoyed my time away. i ate and drank. i didn’t workout. i acted my age for once in my life. i lived as though i didn’t have a weight problem.

and what happened? i gained 3.8 pounds. in TWO days.

it’s THAT kind of thing that scares me. i’m sure everyone else i was with didn’t gain an ounce. a lot of people my age don’t need to worry about gaining weight from eating unhealthy for a day or two. but i DO. and sometimes i just CAN’T handle it.

is this what the rest of my life is going to look like?

  • counting every calorie i put into my mouth.
  • eating meals ALONE so i’m not tempted by everyone else’s food.
  • working out for 2 hours a day.
  • not going out to dinner with friends.
  • hiding in back of people in pictures so you can’t see my stomach.

(prime example of how i hide in back of ppl in pics. this was taken on saturday)

i can tell you right now, that is NOT how i want to live my life.Β 

i need some serious help. i can’t do this alone.

for now, i am going to continue my journey. i’m not going to stop just because of a little bump in the road. that’s not how i work. i want to reach my goals. i NEED to lose weight. i deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.


15 thoughts on “struggling

  1. Jessica says:

    Amanda! I don’t want to assume I know the whole situation, but perhaps that weight you “gained” is actually just fluctuation? I know you are the true expert – but I used to let the scale control me. I got on it multiple times a day. Then, I just said, “okay, once a week – that’s it.” Every Sunday morning before I ate breakfast, I stepped on the scale, and then not again until exactly a week later.

    Happiness will never be a number. It will be the memories you have – including those in Philly, watching your friend get engaged. Those will be what will matter in the end. And I know YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. I have no doubts. Neither should you.

    All my love,

    • oh jessica, i am so blessed to have you in my life. i truly mean that! you’re exactly right… i know that i can’t let the scale control me! and i KNEW i was going to gain SOMETHING while i was away.

      sometimes i just let my mind get the best of me. i’m already feeling so much better just by writing that post.

      thank you so so so much for all of your support darling ❀


  2. Sharon Shirk says:

    😦 My new WebFriend Amanda….Your post made me cry. I am so sorry you are struggling and I know how you feel about the way you see the rest of your life. I may not have the weight struggle, but for me it is the food struggle. To keep myself accountable and binge free I MUST count calories at least 90% of the time or my mind goes bonkers and I eat and eat. For some reason, having a goal or a limit and making myself adhere to it reduces my binging…but I HATE IT! I think it is that part of me that says if you go over that number, you are a failure…. That is what keeps me from binging with my calorie counting. It doesn’t stop it all, but it does some. But…to think that I will have to count for the rest of my life to keep the Freakin BINGE MONSTER away???!!!??? I can’t stand that thought and will actually have a panic attack if I dwell on it.

    And meals alone?? I have found more and more that my binging or overindulging is done with my family at home. They know I battle food and they do keep me on track a lot of the times, but what they see as me eating “too much” is already way beyond “binge territory” for me. So, I have found I eat alone a lot more than I used to. If it is a Family dinner night (5 nights a week) I tend to not eat a whole lot of what the family is eating, but then eat something AFTER dinner while my husband and I are relaxing…I just don’t understand how my mind works.

    It is so hard. Why can’t we just eat our fill, satisfy ourselves, workout, and be normal??? Why do we have to have these battles?? Dangit…now I am crying again!! UGH!! Basically, I am saying although I am not fighting the same demon, I am right there beside you fighting my own. I just don’t understand why it has to be so hard for some and so easy for others. I am there with you though, every step of the way!

    • sharon, i am so proud of you for writing that out! do you feel a little better? that’s EXACTLY why i keep a blog! it’s not good to hold everything in… it will eat away at you!

      you’re never alone on this journey. i can promise you that!

      there will always be ups and downs, but i honestly wouldn’t have it any other way! thank you so much for the support ❀

  3. Thelma Corbin says:

    Fluctuation happens… and honestly I have the same fears on gaining it all back. Some of the old habits that you work hard to get rid of and the fears with them lead to self sabotage. Don’t be afraid to reach those goals, conquer the things like eating alone and challenge yourself to be strong. You can eat with friends and still watch what you eat because you choose it. You give it power. You have what it takes to continue to love yourself, feed yourself right, and move your body to freedom from the scale. Embrace every step of the journey, you are not alone and together we can achieve greatness! Madlove to you!

    • thelma, thank you so much for this comment πŸ™‚ your words are incredible and i appreciate it so much!

      you’re right. i need to embrace every step of this journey. and that’s what i’m going to do from here on out!


  4. Lindsay Long says:

    I have felt EXACTLY like that PLENTY of times!!!!
    I am so glad you feel better just getting that out
    . One of the things Jennifer Morton, from Fitness Ridge helped me with was when she talked about what kind of plan you pick. When you pick a weight loss plan, diet/exercise you choose a LIFE STYLE. It sounds to me like maybe your plan could use some tweeking?
    Yes you may have to count calories along the way, but there is no way you shouldn’t be able to find something to eat and drink at a restaurant to go out with your friends!!! If you LOVE carbs you know you can make a plan to lose weight and still eat carbs. Then you won’t feel like you need to have a carb fest when you go out. πŸ™‚ I have cried at a restaurant because I “couldn’t havd a soda”. Now, if I really want a soda, guess what, I have one! πŸ™‚ Another J Morton, “it is really hard to rebell when you are allowed to.” ❀
    You have to make sure you are living NOW!!! I often put things off and say, when i'm thin i'm goint to…
    We are not promised tomorrow. please be mindful of that. You are so young and so beautiful. I KNOW as a fellow professional dieter that it is not easy to lose weight. It has NEVER happened to me on accident.
    I am affraid for you that if you don't find a way to ENJOY the ride in your weightloss journey you won't be choosing a life style that will help you keep it off.
    I know you want the weight off, YESTERDAY, and you work hard enough that you deserve the results to happen that way. Don't be discouraged. Have fun. Find freedom and empowerment in making good healthy choices for yourself.
    I LOVE how many people you have supporting you, and you are not letting them down by having a bad day!
    Sorry that got long. lol keep up the good work girl!!!!!

  5. Leah says:

    You inspire me Amanda, and I appreciate your heartfelt honesty! It is so refreshing to know that I am not alone in this journey. And while I wish that neither of us had to struggle, it is what it is, and we can BEAT this! Let’s not give up!!! Just remember that success is failure just turned inside out =)

  6. Karen Williams says:

    Thank you so much for sharing Amanda. I know exactly how you are feeling. That is one of my biggest fears. Is gaining all my weight back. Whats different this time? Determination & we’ve got each other & others to lean on & encourage. We can do this. I know we can. Hang in there & fight the good fight.

    • karen! i absolutely adore you! thank you so much for these kind words & also for taking the time to read my blog! we CAN and we WILL do this!!! xoxox

      • Karen Williams says:

        Thank you Amanda. I adore you too. I am so proud of you & am so blessed to call you friend. Wish we lived closer. You are a beautiful, wise, talented, AMAZING woman. Don’t ever forget that. Thanks for all you do. Keep on keep’n on. Love you girl.

  7. Gail says:

    I’m glad you are real about your journey. Because, I too, am struggling. Daily, monthly, and have been for years, with my weight. I don’t want you to struggle, but it is comforting and also empowering to hear that others are going through the same battle.

    You are an inspiration and make me want to get back on track!

    • gail, thanks so much for reading my blog! it’s important to remember that you are never alone on this journey. there are so many people out there who are feeling the same things you are! (me included!) keep up the amazing work and NEVER give up πŸ™‚

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