as i was running on the treadmill this morning for the first time in over a week, i found myself in a weird place. i almost felt as though my mind was in a different world. i caught myself looking at the blank wall in front of me… then my eyes shifted down to the floor where all of my college things were sitting. boxes & boxes of unpacked stuff.
stuff that i’m afraid to dig through.
i moved home from college in january of 2009 and i still hadn’t unpacked yet. why, you might ask? because my move came so sudden. i wanted to get off campus and never look back. i wanted to erase that chapter of my life.
2007-2008 (& the beginning of 2009) are still a blur to me.
back in 2007, when it came time for me to go to college, i was still filled with the endless self-doubt that haunted me from being bullied in middle school. why would the people in college want to be my friend if no one in the past had wanted to? these emotions came flooding to me as i packed my bags and left home for the very first time. from the moment i moved on campus, i knew i was different than everyone else. i didn’t drink and i was far from being a partier. my dream college experience was no longer there. for the first month or so i went home every weekend and hung out by myself. then, in october, i told myself that if i wanted to fit in, i would have to drink… and i did.
i wanted to fit in so badly that i went against everything i believed in. the girls i lived with that year were considered my best friends & a big part of me felt that my “best friends” didn’t care about me at all. but now i know it was all in my head. i was extremely insecure from my past.
and here’s the worst part. the part i’m most ashamed of.
i’m honestly not sure how to write this or if i should write it at all. but i need to be honest, right? it’s my only secret & i hope the truth will set me free.
when i was alone, i would sit in my dorm room and hurt myself.
i would do different things to relieve the pain in my head. it took me away from that lonely feeling. i had no one on my side. i felt like i deserved to be in pain. there had to have been something wrong with who i was. i’d been treated poorly since middle school so i truly believed that i was majorly flawed. this horrible thing continued going on all of that year.
actually, i continued living this way for a year and a half. in pain and alone. at the end of the first semester of my sophomore year, i hated myself so much that i stopped going to meals with my friends… i didn’t want to be seen. i reached my highest weight of 260 during this time. i spent every possible moment in my bed just crying. there were days i didn’t want to live.
i look back at this now and wonder how i ever thought that ripping myself apart would make anything better. at the time, it did. i wish i could take it all back.
all i ever wanted my entire life was to be treated with kindness. my parents eventually found out that i was living a nightmare and we made the decision for me to move home halfway through sophomore year. the 40 minute daily commute would be a lot better for me.
after i moved home, i decided that i needed to make a major change in my life. i would say that this was one of many ‘ah-ha” moments for me. moving home was the best decision i could have ever made. yes, i lost ALL of my friends, but i needed to get away from everything. it was as if something just clicked inside of my head. i no longer wanted to let my past experiences of bullying run my life. i had let the “mean girls” control who i was for long enough.
the first step in healing my wounds was to learn to love. first and foremost, learn to love myself. it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. learning to love & accept yourself is a challenge. you can’t fix it overnight. all of this happened 3 years ago and i’m still working on it!
i can now say that i truly do love who i am today. i’m a completely different person and it’s all because i’ve learned that i am worth it. i am worthy of love and happiness. i deserve nothing but the best!
today, i’m surrounded by people who love and support me no matter what. that’s the most important thing i could have done for myself! i’m working on ME and MY HAPPINESS. i need to be selfish once in a while. i’m reaching for my goals and i’m never going to stop. because I AM WORTH IT.
YOU can be ANYTHING you want to be. you CAN overcome your past!