this will be a mere memory

there’s not a day that goes by when i don’t think about the biggest loser. i find that the “what-if’s” have taken over my brain. it’s been 10 months and i can’t seem to get over it. i’ve been trying SO hard to accept the fact that I HAVE TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. why can’t i accept that?! it’s been almost an entire YEAR. it’s not healthy for me!

while i was in california for finals week of casting for the show, i kept a journal. i wrote every day that i was there. i didn’t write much. nor did i go into a lot of detail. i’m hoping that by sharing these journal entries with the world, it will help me heal from the disappointment. i’m still mourning the loss of my dream.

the following are my exact words from my journal:

sunday, may 15, 2011, 6:15 pm
… on a completely unrelated note… i’m going to LOS ANGELES THIS WEEK!!! not sure when i’m leaving or what i’m doing when i get there… i really cannot believe that i got selected as a finalist for the biggest loser season 12! never in my wildest dreams did i ever think i would have this opportunity. am i dreaming? i’ve been asking myself this question for days… wow, just wow.

saturday, may 21, 2011, 8:15 pm
here i am in los angeles… or westlake village to be exact. i flew in yesterday and what an exhausting day that was! someone named chris (crabby) picked me up at the airport. he dropped off a group at the hotel & then brought another BL hopeful (joe) and i to chipotle for some food. then he brought us to the four seasons. i felt so much better when i walked into the hotel and saw one of my casting directors, kerry. she brought me to my room and i was able to relax for a few minutes before i was brought downstairs to take a psych test. after all of that, a group of us went to the grocery store. then to end the night i had a one on one meeting with the psychiatrist, dr. hogan. he told me he could visibly see my insecurities by the way i held myself.

this morning i had my first doctors appointment at 6 am! thank goodness it was only at the hotel! there were a bunch of blood tests and stuff. later this afternoon i had more appointments at dr. huizenga’s in beverly hills. amaze-balls. heres a list of a few of the tests i had done: eye exam, liver ultrasound, ultrasound on my heart & neck, stress test, vo2 max, hydration test & a full body scan. kevin (kk) brought us all to el pollo loco for dinner. delicious!

aaaaandddd now i am in my room for the night. i just took a bath. this room is incredible. the bathroom has a tv in it! i watched the cosby show in the bath. alright, i’m just gonna go out and say it… this whole experience has been extremely emotional for me. i cried yesterday when i got to my room for the first time and i’ve cried 3 times today? oh lordy, what have i gotten myself into?

i’ve met a couple great people so far. an older woman, a middle aged woman, a middle aged guy, and a young guy who’s my age. okay, time for some relaxing and tv.

sunday, may 22, 2011, 4:40 pm
i’m currently sitting in my bed at the four seasons crying my eyes out. i’m reading the letters that people wrote me before i left on this journey. i don’t know why it’s making me so emotional. luckily i’m texting MK and she’s making me feel better. she just said: ‘do you really think God didn’t know that you would find him RIGHT BEFORE you would need Him most? call on His help. He’s there for you. He will give you strength.  

i’m glad i was able to sleep in today. i think i needed it. i met with dr. cheryl this morning. she’s the nutritionist with the show. she was incredible. after that meeting, a group of us were brought out to lunch and shopping. i had food at california pizza kitchen then went to a couple stores. i ended up buying a sign that says KINDNESS 365 at world market. it was a must buy.

now i’ve been in my room all afternoon. i talked to sami on the phone for a while. now i’m watching some crazy show about chaz bono on OWN. boredom has officially hit.”

monday, may 23, 2011, 12:40 pm
today has been good! it started very early at 12 am when i had to wake up and take some kind of pill. not exactly sure what it was for! i went back to sleep after that. woke up at 6:20 to get ready for my first appointment. i had to do another breathing test and get more blood drawn. after that, i went to sandy’s office. he put us in the “bod pod” which measures body fat percentages. cool stuff! now i’m hanging out in my room watching SNL on my computer. i have to go to a sleep study tonight. should be interesting ;)”

tuesday, may 24, 2011, 3:00 pm
happy 31st anniversary to my parents!  today has been strange. okay, every day has been strange! i woke up at 5 am at that strange sleep study place. creepy having a guy named gus watch you sleep all night. what an experience. i was attached to so many wires all night! it was NOT comfortable. i don’t think i really slept at all. i was there with two other finalists: bonnie & chris. roy picked us all up this morning and brought us to subway for breakfast. i saved mine for lunch though, because i had a breakfast date at breakfast cafe with olivia, kym, tc & joe. after breakfast we went grocery shopping. i’m not sure if i’ll ever get used to eating by myself at a restaurant. it’s so weird feeling!

a few hours ago, two people from the show came to talk with me. it went awful. all they wanted me to do was tell them my story. easy, right? NO. i couldn’t do it without smiling. they could tell i was hiding my feelings. as soon as they walked out the door i COMPLETELY broke down in tears. i’m talking… worst cry since i’ve been here. fetal position on the floor. it was awful.

luckily i had becky on the phone to make me feel a little better. she’s an incredible friend and she’s helping me try to open my heart. 

right after i got off the phone with becky, two more people from the show came to hear my story. this time it was two ADORABLE guys. when they came to my door, i had mascara dripping down my face from crying. i told them that i’d been crying and they were super sweet. i think i did a lot better with opening up to them. it’s going to take so long to improve this. it’s not something i’ll wake up and be better at. but i know i can do it. i can do ANYTHING.”

wednesday, may 25, 2011, 7:45 pm
these past two days have been completely awful. i’ve done absolutely nothing except one meeting. it was in one of the big rooms at the hotel. a bunch of bl12 hopefuls telling our stories to a big team of people. i wasn’t able to say anything i wanted. i feel like i lose all of my chances today. i cried, again.

kerry came to visit me earlier. thank god. i was going stir crazy. i loved having company, even if it was only for like 15 mins. after my horrible meeting, i chatted with sami for a while. so glad modern family is on tonight… praying tomorrow goes better.”

thursday, may 26, 2011, 10:25 am
watching hod a and kathie lee and having an elton john/billy joel dance party. yes, oh, and throwing in some les miserables into the mix. hoping today goes by quickly and that i’ll be able to leave my room at some point?! me and room 437 have become best friends. okay, pretty sure i’m going insane. i need sunshine. i need fresh air. i need human contact. seclusion is HARD STUFF.”

friday, may 27, 2011, 10:30 am
trying to pass the time with the today show. it’s friday, trysday. I WILL GO CRAZY IF I DN’T LEAVE THIS ROOM TODAY. AHHHH. drinking coffee and watching KLG & hoda. GET ME OUT OF HERE. please.

… then my journal entries ended. i was sent home. i haven’t written since that day. the rest of my journal is filled with blank pages. i think i’m ready to continue writing in it. time for the next chapter. 


3 thoughts on “this will be a mere memory

  1. Karen Williams says:

    You are AMAZING. Thanks for sharing. I haven’t blogged since the day before my surgery. I’m just not into it but I need to do it. It helps so much. I love you girl & am so proud of you. You are accomplishing so much. I think you’ve done so much more than what you could have done on the show. Keep your chin up. Miss you tons.

  2. Thank you for sharing the “insider details” with those of us who always wondered. Amanda, you were meant for SO MUCH MORE! There is a spark in you that cannot be extinguished. You radiate. I hear the sadness in your words about missing the Biggest Loser experience and all I can think is, “THEY miss out, not you!” I have such faith in you. You will go all the way. You will reach every one of your goals. I know that for a fact.

    Much love,
    ☼ ☀ ☼ Team Sunshine ☼ ☀ ☼

  3. Meg Gazaway says:

    If you wouldn’t have had that experience, I wouldn’t have found you on twitter! I love you baby sis! Facing these disappointment and deamons will help you let them go from hurting you! Biggest Loser doesn’t define people, it just gives an added opportunity!

    The good news is you along with God are the one’s in control of your dreams, sometimes we just learn we had the wrong dreams. You will reach them, just not with a show! Doesn’t it feel good that you are now to skinny for the show?! You are doing it doll babe! You are reaching your dreams, just bot the original way you thought!

    Proud of you! Love you! Can’t wait to see you in a MONTH! XOXO

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