there have been so many times in the past couple days where i’ve wanted to write in here… but there was something in my heart holding me back. i still don’t know exactly what it is.
things have been different lately.
my life in general has felt off. my relationships. friendships. work. exercise.
i’ve been praying for answers. i don’t like this place i’m in. and the worst part is that i haven’t wanted to talk about it. i’m usually an open book, but it’s becoming harder for me.
maybe i’m scared.
yes, i am scared.
here’s the deal: i’ve given up on myself. it kills me to admit that. i’m the girl who promotes NEVER giving up and always being the BEST you can be. i feel like a fake. i’ve stopped practicing what i preach. why should anyone look up to me?
i haven’t had a serious workout in a couple weeks.
oh, and my diet? i’ve been putting anything and everything into my mouth. i haven’t been tracking what i eat. i’ve stopped counting calories. i haven’t been paying attention to portion sizes.
i go through these phases where food is the only thing that makes me feel better. sometimes i sit and eat until all the food in my house is gone. and then i feel even worse. so bad that all i can do is cry. WHY do i keep doing this to myself?
i get so far and in a good place, then i throw it all away again. it’s a terrible cycle that i’ve never been able to stop.
i’ve basically shut myself off from the world.
one of the worst parts about all of this is when i get texts from people saying “you look amazing! all your hard work is paying off!” — what hard work? yes, i was doing well for a while, then gave up.
i’m embarrassed to see people i haven’t seen in a while. they’re expecting me to be smaller and prettier and i’m NOT.
i’m going to california on saturday to be with people i haven’t seen since december. we’ve all been working on ourselves these past couple months. some have achieved AMAZING things. all of them have lost weight and are happy with their successes… but me? i’m ashamed of myself.
all of this is extremely hard for me to admit.
on the outside, i’m the BRAVE girl who has it all figured out… but on the inside i’m still broken.
i want to be different. i want change. i NEED change.
i’m crying for help.
i’m praying to God. He is the only one who can get me through this.
i need to find that inner strength. i know it’s in me somewhere… i’m searching. but in the mean time, please say a little prayer for me. i need to get this figured out sooner rather than later.