there have been so many times in the past couple days where i’ve wanted to write in here… but there was something in my heart holding me back. i still don’t know exactly what it is.

things have been different lately.

my life in general has felt off. my relationships. friendships. work. exercise.

i’ve been praying for answers. i don’t like this place i’m in. and the worst part is that i haven’t wanted to talk about it. i’m usually an open book, but it’s becoming harder for me.

maybe i’m scared.

yes, i am scared.

here’s the deal: i’ve given up on myself. it kills me to admit that. i’m the girl who promotes NEVER giving up and always being the BEST you can be. i feel like a fake. i’ve stopped practicing what i preach. why should anyone look up to me?

i haven’t had a serious workout in a couple weeks.

oh, and my diet? i’ve been putting anything and everything into my mouth. i haven’t been tracking what i eat. i’ve stopped counting calories. i haven’t been paying attention to portion sizes.

i go through these phases where food is the only thing that makes me feel better. sometimes i sit and eat until all the food in my house is gone. and then i feel even worse. so bad that all i can do is cry. WHY do i keep doing this to myself?

i get so far and in a good place, then i throw it all away again. it’s a terrible cycle that i’ve never been able to stop.

i’ve basically shut myself off from the world.

one of the worst parts about all of this is when i get texts from people saying “you look amazing! all your hard work is paying off!” — what hard work? yes, i was doing well for a while, then gave up.

i’m embarrassed to see people i haven’t seen in a while. they’re expecting me to be smaller and prettier and i’m NOT.

i’m going to california on saturday to be with people i haven’t seen since december. we’ve all been working on ourselves these past couple months. some have achieved AMAZING things. all of them have lost weight and are happy with their successes… but me? i’m ashamed of myself.

all of this is extremely hard for me to admit.

on the outside, i’m the BRAVE girl who has it all figured out… but on the inside i’m still broken.

i want to be different. i want change. i NEED change.

i’m crying for help.

i’m praying to God. He is the only one who can get me through this.

i need to find that inner strength. i know it’s in me somewhere… i’m searching. but in the mean time, please say a little prayer for me. i need to get this figured out sooner rather than later.


22 thoughts on “lately

  1. Austin says:

    AMANDA! Stop. Right. Now. YOU mean SO much to SO many people! Again, you and I seem to go through the same stuff around the same times. You can’t be on your A game all the time. Life happens and then you just don’t give a crap about anything and eat it all! Seriously, I am here for you if you need ANYTHING, because more likely than not, we will be in the same boat at the same time. That is all. 🙂

    • thanks so much austin… this means a lot to me! never alone.

      • Austin says:

        You are very welcome! Seriously. If you ever need some one to chat with, I am more than willing to listen. I realize that sometimes you just don’t want to talk to anyone. I love talking to you girls on Twitter…I have ZERO support at home on my journey. While I don’t need much, it’d just be nice if my family was more understanding! That is all. 🙂 Oh, and ABSOLUTELY LOVE what Sunshine said below!

  2. Amanda, I do not think there is a person who will be reading this blog who has NOT felt these exact same feelings. I have engaged in every one of these self-destructive behaviors, right down to emptying the house of every edible morsel of food, no matter what it was. I think you are being very brave and proactive, by getting it out n the open. You are choosing to confront it. The type of journey on which you have set sail is not usually a direct course… there will be zigs and zags and they are very, very frustrating. Staying true to the course is so-o-o-o difficult! I urge you to have other passions and interests, so that your healthy lifestyle can take somewhat of a backseat SOME of the time. While we can never disregard the opinions of others, try to only hold dear those opinions that truly matter to you. I know the group you are meeting on your upcoming trip and they ADORE you. You could arrive with a paper bag over your head and they would think it was the most stylin’ paper bag around! Trust them to see the “real Amanda” and not some “reality TV version.” I bet they are all having similar fears. “Have I maintained my weight loss? Have I lost more weight, (if I needed to?) Is this outfit just the right touch of sexy without making look like I am for sale? Most of all, do I feel good about myself? Can I make the negative messages shut off for just one night?”

    Please try to get back on your program, starting immediatelyy. Do it for YOURSELF, not for the BLR reunion, or the BL Finale party. Do it because Amanda deserves better. Just take it one meal at a time.

    I am always here if you need a shoulder. Much love, Sunshine

  3. Joe says:

    I am looking forward to seeing Amanda “a work in progress” ! And that is exactly what we all are… A work in progress! I promise I won’t judge, I’ll just be glad to see you and my other buddies ( who are also works in progress) And the crazy thing is NONE of us will EVER ” ARRIVE” until we are in our sweet Lord’s arms. So be proud of what you have accomplished and are yet to accomplish. Because I know I’m proud to call you my friend! I love Phillipians 1:6 that says ” being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” love ya buddy!

  4. joe, thank you… i needed to hear those exact words. i know you would never judge me. you’ve known me from the beginning & we will always be in this together. can’t wait til next week! love you my friend.

  5. Karen Williams says:

    Amanda my dear you are so amazing. I love you so much. I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been feeling the same way lately. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I want it to be over and done with. I am going to miss you and all our BL family this weekend. Have fun for me. I really wanted to be there but my family is having a memorial for my grandmother on the 12th of May. I will be in Cali from June 3rd-June 24th though. You should come say hi. Take care my friend. Miss you tons.

  6. Lindsay Long says:

    There are soooooo many things I’d love to tell you!!! You ARE BEAUTIFUL AND NOT A FAILURE! Not perfect, but I don’t think ANYONE who knows you or even a near stranger as myself, likes you or admires you because they expect you to be perfect! Many of us are encouraged by you because we struggle in a similar battle!!!! I had a Bad three weeks myself and gained 10 pounds :/ yesterday I got back on track.
    Only you can control how you feel about yourself, but I will be praying that you find what you need!
    “Your identity is secure in Christ, and no scale on the planet could measure how much you are worth to him.” From, made to Crave. The other quote that I LOVE from this wonderful study, MTC is…”nothing tastes as good as being at peace (with your self and God) feels!”
    Praying for peace friend! You just have to decide you are worth the fight!!!! Keep up the good work! ❤ I still think you are a rock star! 😉 enjoy Cali !!!! ❤

  7. Tricia Marble says:

    I saw this post thru Lindsay Long and can I just say how it spoke to my heart. I think your cry is what SOOOO many of us go thru we just don’t admit it. I did a great job last year in April… went on a strict diet.. lost 15/20 lbs. and I have gained it all back. I do the same thing… I get all physched up.. ( I even bought 3 new exercise dvds) but have I done them? Nope.. not a one. This week alone I have been on a carb binge! SIGH. Please don’t feel as if you are the only one going thru something like this.
    God is with you and on’t feel alone!

  8. Heather says:

    You are so loved Amanda. I wish I could take away the hurt you are feeling! It breaks my heart! Remember, we are our own worst critics. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve so much credit! You are growing and learning and becoming who you’re meant to be. You are beautiful inside and out. When you begin to doubt yourself or feel down, those are lies from Satan, trying to discourage you. You are a loved, cherished and chosen child of God!

  9. kristin says:

    I have never read your blog before but the brief excerpt I saw I related to. I do well with my journey for a period of time. Then its like a switch flips putting me in reverse.
    I pray with you for guidance and direction to get back on track. Thank you for making all of us who have been through this as well realize we are not alone.
    May you find peace in knowing you are an
    inspiration for being strong enough

  10. Leah says:

    Amanda thank you for sharing what so many of us are too afraid to admit to the rest of the world! You are not alone my friend, and I can empathize with you 110%. A little over a year ago I was in the best shape of my entire life…I lost 92 pounds and was 15 pounds away from my goal. So many people were inspired by my success and I was enjoying helping people achieve their goals. Not only had I lost the weight but I became physically active and was running, biking and enjoying life. I completed a 10K in just under an hour and was training for a ½ marathon, and then the bottom fell out! I fell in love, and completely lost myself in the process. As a result I put on 48 pounds, and feel like a complete and utter failure. When we broke up a few months ago, I ate anything and everything that wasn’t nailed down, and the worse it was for me the more of it I ate. We are talking an entire pizza, carton of ice-cream, bags of chips, you name it, I ate it. But the good news Amanda is that we don’t have to give up and I we have a choice to never go back to where we started. I decided to get to the root of the problem, which has always been emotional eating. I would recommend the book, “Shrink Yourself – Break free from emotional eating forever!” by Roger Gould, M.D. I also started seeing a therapist and am trying to heal myself from within so that I can conquer this weight demon once and for all. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I want you to know that you are not alone in this battle!

  11. marksteitz says:

    Here are some quotes that may help you through your struggle… “Unless you’re willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won’t happen.” “If you are going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill” “Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit. ~ Napoleon Hill” “Shake it off. Keep going. ~ Dolvett” — AND FINALLY — “Every decision you make gets you closer to – or further from – your goals. Choose wisely…” Take these with you. Keep them close. Hopefully they will help you in more than just your weight loss journey. You will struggle through tough times in every aspect of your life at some point. I hope these give you strength when you need it most. Have faith in the process and remember you didn’t get overweight in a day…so you won’t fix it in a day. It will take time and struggle. Just remember you have what it takes to make it happen. 🙂

  12. beaunicks says:

    Amanda, you don’t know me but I feel that you have written words straight from my heart! No one with a weight problem has not felt what you felt. You just had the guts to write it. I have a best friend that I have talked with for years about the same feelings and we keep asking ourselves “why do we do this to ourselves.” I have a wonderful husband who adores me, two wonderful children and 5 gorgeous grankids. My life is pretty much what you would call perfect, but there are so many things that I have not experienced or enjoyed because of my weight. Food is an addiction just like alcohol or cigarettes. It will always be a daily struggle to finish this journey you are on. It’s going to take one word from someone or something that just clicks and you will be back on track I promise. Maybe you should try going to weight watchers or Tops and not do it completely alone. I have joined so many times I can’t count, but this time it has clicked and I have 12 more lbs to my goal. Do I go off program? Hell yes! I have to talk to myself daily and work at this. I go to e gym because it keeps me on track, not because I Love getting up at 5:00 am every day lol……keep writing on this blog, remember what you have accomplished and forgive yourself for not being perfect. You are beautiful!

  13. Tay says:

    It’s so good to hear from you! Just know this: you are loved! ❤

  14. Laenii Crow says:

    This broke my heart! You mean the works to me and it hurts me to see you hurting! You are in my prayers always girl! I wish I could tell you that I am jealous of how beautiful you are, and how amazing you are, and it would make you feel all better, but I can’t fix everything! I wish I could, because you really have made me such a better person!! God can help you thru anything and I know he will help you Amanda! Matthew 19:26 “With God all things are possible” God can help you overcome anything if you put your trust in Him! I have that verse tattooed on my foot and it helps me get thru my days! ((:
    I am always here for you, even though we don’t know each other very much, you can always message me on Facebook! I will always be here for you no matter what! Even if it’s to tell me the crap! Haha it’s always good to have a friend you can tell about the crap in your life! (:
    Love ya girl! Stay strong! I don’t have a doubt in my mind that you can overcome this! (:

  15. August Rush says:

    Hey Amanda ..

    When you are bold enough to share then you are bold enough to fight. Its a phase and happens with everyone. I have been looking at ur facebook post for a while and they have always been inspiring. You have taken a long journey with great results. There are times when people fall doesnt mean they stay in the place they are. They stand and walk again.

    If hunger isn’t the question then food isn’t the answer. So know it food won’t do any good to kill your sadness. Life won’t always be the same so just go with the flow 🙂

    Take a break .. cry those remaining tears .. then continue with your journey again.

    Ab xx

  16. Karen says:

    Amanda, you are human. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Jesus told his disciples before his crucifixion that “the spirit is strong but the flesh is weak”. Even the ones closest to Jesus, the ones who could touch him and see his miracles first hand, still gave into weakness and fell asleep while Jesus prayed all night that the burden he faced would pass from him. Even Jesus cried out to his father when he faced his passion. Because of His divine nature and the grace God gave Him, He was able to submit to the will of God even through the fear he felt. If even the disciples were weak then don’t beat yourself up for it. All we can do is start again today.
    There can be joy in suffering. Believe it or not. It sounds like a contradiction but it is true. You should read about the lives of the saints and see how they lived and faced suffering. Some of them still had great joy even when they faced death. Maybe it is because their suffering seemed to serve a purpose. I know it is grace that sustained them. I don’t know…I am not there on my journey yet either.
    My advice is: Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry. God will give you everything you need to do His will. Ask God for wisdom and understanding to know the path He wants you to follow. That is when you will have peace.

    I just read this today, “Flattery Gets You Nowhere.
    You must never flatter yourself for whatever good you might notice in yourself, because everything good comes to you from God, and you need to give the honor and glory to him.”

    I know your message is that you are worth it and you deserve it. But do you know why you are worth it? It is because you are a precious creation by God that can never be duplicated. Only you can love God the way that you do and that makes you oh so special to Him. You often hear that God loves the human race. Well, the reality is that God loves each single one of us that make up the human race. He would have died on the cross to save just you!

    So, I hope you feel a little better now. Pray for wisdom, humility, and for the desire to know Him, love Him, and serve Him.

  17. Kat says:

    This post, actually helped me more then any of your others, not sure how I even stumbled upon this, but this is how I feel right now. I saw all your posts and at first was like. “wow good for her, but I cant be there anymore, off the tracks for good, to busy, healthy is hard to afford and with no time, I’ve plateaued .” but seeing this post, actually gave me the push, knowing that you did push through it but that’s how I’ve felt so many times. I was at my best last year, felt so good, confident hated bad food, loving being healthy and fit, then bam, almost back to my worse, and why, how does it happen when you know how it feels… Your post has made me feel like I can do it again, and you have to keep trying, food is like an addiction and sometimes it takes multiple times to change habits, but its nice to see other people feeling the same way, we are human. Thanks for posting, not only your success, but the downs (not calling them failures, as they are merely learning/growing lessons and experiences) Its not always how great the things are that we do, but how we deal with the hardships and the downs in our life, that makes us the person we are. True Strength.
    Keep going girl! your amazing!

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