it has been so very long since i’ve last updated in my blog and i am truly sorry about that! there has been so much yet so little going on in my life these past couple days/weeks/months. i guess i will start with the fact that i am still on this weightloss journey. i have a feeling this journey is going to continue every single day for the rest of my life. it’s not something that will just disappear when i reach my goal.
which brings me to the topic of this blog post: my goal.
you have absolutely no idea how nervous/anxious/scared/excited i am to reach my goal.
i’m currently 205 pounds and i am only 5 pounds away from my first goal: 199… and only 35 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight: 170.
there are so many emotions tied into this. why? because it’s something i want more that you could ever imagine… and because i’ve seen so many people reach their goal only to put all the weight back on.
hey, it’s happened to ME before! well, i didn’t exactly reach my goal, but i did go from 260 to 210 and back to 260 again! i wish i could tell you WHY it happened! it’s something i’ve never been able to figure out.
is it because i couldn’t maintain the healthy lifestyle?
is it because i wasn’t strong enough?
is it because i didn’t have support?
is it because i stopped caring about myself?
all of these things are floating through my mind as i get closer and closer to that number.
what makes this time different than the last?
i’m actually petrified! scared to death.
i’m scared that once i reach my goal weight, i still won’t be as happy as i want to be. i’ve blamed my weight on so many things in my life… and once it’s no longer an issue, what can i use to blame?!
oh, amanda’s unhappy? it’s because she’s fat.
oh, amanda doesn’t go out on weekends? it’s because she’s fat.
oh, amanda has never had a boyfriend? it’s because she’s fat.
oh, amanda has no friends? it’s because she’s fat.
you get the idea.
the worst part is that i’m most scared of letting everyone else around me down. i do NOT want them to see me fail AGAIN. how can someone be a role model when they fail each time they get to their goal?
sometimes i wonder why anyone looks up to me… but then i remember:
i’m a girl who has succeeded & failed. i’ve had highs & lows. i’ve been brave & i’ve been weak.
i am human.
despite my fears and doubts, i’m not giving up. i will continue to fight as hard as i can for the rest of my life. i’m not sure if my body will even allow me to reach my goal until i figure all of this out in my head… it might be holding onto the weight until i’m brave enough to shed it. for now, i’ll just keep doing what i’m doing.
love you all.