fears & doubts about goal weight

it has been so very long since i’ve last updated in my blog and i am truly sorry about that! there has been so much yet so little going on in my life these past couple days/weeks/months.  i guess i will start with the fact that i am still on this weightloss journey. i have a feeling this journey is going to continue every single day for the rest of my life. it’s not something that will just disappear when i reach my goal.

which brings me to the topic of this blog post: my goal.

you have absolutely no idea how nervous/anxious/scared/excited i am to reach my goal.

i’m currently 205 pounds and i am only 5 pounds away from my first goal: 199… and only 35 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight: 170.

there are so many emotions tied into this. why? because it’s something i want more that you could ever imagine… and because i’ve seen so many people reach their goal only to put all the weight back on.

hey, it’s happened to ME before! well, i didn’t exactly reach my goal, but i did go from 260 to 210 and back to 260 again! i wish i could tell you WHY it happened! it’s something i’ve never been able to figure out.

is it because i couldn’t maintain the healthy lifestyle?
is it because i wasn’t strong enough?
is it because i didn’t have support?
is it because i stopped caring about myself?

all of these things are floating through my mind as i get closer and closer to that number.

 what makes this time different than the last?

i’m actually petrified! scared to death.

i’m scared that once i reach my goal weight, i still won’t be as happy as i want to be. i’ve blamed my weight on so many things in my life… and once it’s no longer an issue, what can i use to blame?!

oh, amanda’s unhappy? it’s because she’s fat.
oh, amanda doesn’t go out on weekends? it’s because she’s fat.
oh, amanda has never had a boyfriend? it’s because she’s fat.
oh, amanda has no friends? it’s because she’s fat.

you get the idea.

the worst part is that i’m most scared of letting everyone else around me down. i do NOT want them to see me fail AGAIN. how can someone be a role model when they fail each time they get to their goal?

sometimes i wonder why anyone looks up to me… but then i remember:

i’m a girl who has succeeded & failed. i’ve had highs & lows. i’ve been brave & i’ve been weak.

i am human.

despite my fears and doubts, i’m not giving up. i will continue to fight as hard as i can for the rest of my life. i’m not sure if my body will even allow me to reach my goal until i figure all of this out in my head… it might be holding onto the weight until i’m brave enough to shed it. for now, i’ll just keep doing what i’m doing.

love you all.

 

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22 thoughts on “fears & doubts about goal weight

  1. mylifebutinwords says:

    Hey Amanda!

    Oh my gosh, I’m also petrified to get to my goal. Even though I have about 100+ lbs to still loose. I’m half way there. Well I want to ask you a question. I took about a couple days off my diet.. But now I’ve got all this unhealthy crap in my body and I’ve felt sick everynight. I need to hop back on because I know I’m not okay eating just anything. I mean I enjoy it but then I think.. I don’t wnt this for myself. Do you have any advice. Oh since I’ve last emailed you, I’ve lost 62 lbs since February 29, 2012. 😉 and I really can’t wait to lose more. 😉

    -Amanda

  2. Paris says:

    Just a P.S. Before I read…… I LOVE your new blog layout!!!! : D can’t wait to check it all out!

  3. Beautiful Amanda 🙂 You are so close to your goal but along the way you have picked up a lot of wisdom and experience that will guide you for life. I’m so proud of you for the risks you’ve taken … it has been such a joy watching you grow (even through the growing pains!). Life will always have its challenges but you have proved to the world (and to yourself, even if you’re still embracing it) that you can get through ANYTHING. Love you dearly and so excited to see what’s next!!! xoxo

  4. Anne says:

    Hi Amanda,
    I can understand where you are coming from. I’ve talked with other lifelong heavy people and we all have this fear. A heavy person doesn’t know anything but being a heavy person who uses their coping skills to hide thier additional pounds. They don’t know what it is like to to be a normal healthy, trim adult. Once this heavier person is at a normal weight, the coping skills that they used before are no longer effective. They are then lost, unable to cope. They are not used to all the attention they now get that may be more positve and not negative. They become unhappy again because it’s too much to take in. Then unfortunately, they go back to what makes them (so-called) happy and the weight comes back on. So make sure that you have a good mental health support group that you can go to, who can maybe relate, who can give you new coping skills, a new way to look at things even if you have to suck in your pride and get some professional help, it will be well worth it.
    I wish you the best in achieving your goals and over all success in your life. You’re doing an awesome job so far.
    Anne

  5. Casey Cooper says:

    You will get there and you will keep kickin its butt!!!! 🙂

  6. Sue says:

    You are right. A lot of it is in the head. Keep telling yourself that you don’t need the fat to protect you or insulate you from your fears. You will be taken care of and will thrive at a healthy weight. Nothing ever tastes as good as thin feels. You can conquer this and don’t need the fat to protect you. You go girl! I am right behind you, on the same road. 🙂

  7. bvaughn23 says:

    The reason people look up to you is because you are transparent about the struggles you have faced. Your story is one that is very relatable. Thank you for posting and always being so “real” about everything you go through. I enjoy reading your blog, and wish you all the best with your goals. I hope I can be as inspirational to others as you are one day! 😉

  8. Paris says:

    “sometimes i wonder why anyone looks up to me… but then i remember i’m a girl who has succeeded & failed. i’ve had highs & lows. i’ve been brave & i’ve been weak.”

    like I said before… we all look up to you because you are REAL.. you have bad days and good days… these bad days makes everyone of us realize that we too are HUMAN that while looking up to you while you have pit falls… you are still on your road to your goal..
    which means its okay for us to have bad days too…

    we all love you and what you are helping us do.

    every blog post.. every tweet..every status update & instagram post… it makes is rethink our days.. rethink our eating.. and remind us of what we are doing to become healthier people mentally & physically.By you continuing and never stopping it allows us to keep going too.

    Thanks Amanda.. rock on.. everyday..!

  9. Karen says:

    Be proud of the fact that even though you are terrified, you are still pushing through. I believe you would have let that fear hold you back before, I know that I did.. That in itself is a goal to be proud of, even without a specific number.

  10. Maegan says:

    Amanda, you inspire people like me whom you’ve never met because you share all of your experiences, not just the triumphs. You are honest about your feelings and acknowledge that reaching your goal weight won’t change everything. You will be successful because you are aware of this.

    I wish I would have known that when I reached my goal weight. I was “skinny” for me and I felt great in so many ways but it didn’t change some of the things I still thought about myself. It is a life-long process and you are so well on your way.

    You are a life force, a true light and inspiration. Don’t stop shining!

  11. Kristen says:

    Oh Amanda! We all have things we fear in life. And we all make mistakes. Some days, you might not eat right or exercise as long, but each day is a new day. You have so much motivation and support, it’s crazy! You just need to remember that it’s what inside that counts. It’s about how you feel about yourself. Don’t let other people influence you or break you down. You have something that they don’t, insane motivation field by hundreds of supporters who are all rooting for you! Not to mention since you’ve been doing so well, I bet some of the treats that used to be so awesome won’t even be as good any more. I dnt think you’ve just lost weight here, you have made an entire lifestyle change.. That is huge! And something to be oh so proud of. Keep on keepin on girl, I know where I get my daily motivation from 😉

  12. Ben says:

    Amanda,

    You’re kicking serious butt!! I’m so proud of you, and mostly you should be too!! I have been following your progress on both your blog and Instagram and your dedication, and inspiring tale more than validate my decision to nominate/award you the “One Lovely Blog Award”. Please swing by my blog to get to know me and my story, and to read more on the award at: http://www.eatinglivingrunning.wordpress.com . Keep up the amazing work, I’m pulling for you!!

    -Ben-

    Instagram: @benncarrier
    twitter: @eatinglivingrun
    facebook: facebook.com/eatinglivingrunning

  13. Michelle says:

    Hi Amanda,
    I met you July 4th at Mr. B and you gave me your blog address.
    Your story touched me because it’s mine too since I was 12 years old. I’ve been to WW at least 20 times, met my goal at least 10 times and bounced back to the old weight, PLUS MORE! I had all the feelings of self loathing and doubt that you had and do have. I am currently on JCraig and think this is the time it could happen!
    I have learned only in the last 3 years while meditating and working on my path in life that girls and women who have our problem are really insulating themselves against something. In my case it was my critical family as I was growing up and boyfriend traumas. Once I realized my painful feelings, I am finding insulating myself (food) is not important as it once was. I no longer think about food in the same way. I feed myself only to live, not living to eat. What a burden off my shoulders. So you see, you are not alone. I am 54 years old and just starting to live my life. Center yourself and do some really deep self inspection and it may work for you as well. Best of luck and I will think of you often.

  14. Holly says:

    Just found your blog and I really like it. You look fantastic! If you do a YouTube channel that would be awesome.

  15. Rachel Quin says:

    Hi Amanda,

    I’ve had a look over your blog and I have to say, I find your determination and strength to change your life so incredibly inspiring. 🙂
    Looking forward to hearing more from you, it’s stories like yours that remind me it is NOT impossible to achieve your weight loss goals or dreams, and you look absolutely incredible.

    Love,
    Rachel.
    xxx

  16. healthninja says:

    Hey Amanda, I can totally rely to your worries about reaching your goal weight. And truthfully there will be no rainbows and shooting stars – since becoming who you want to be is a long way and will not stop with making it to your goal weight and its also not only about the way your body changes but also the mind. And the mind is often way behind 😉 I have a friend who lost all her weight a long time ago and still looks at chubby girls, thinking they are thinner than her.
    All I can say – be patient, do not believe that all your happiness depends on weight and learn to love yourself now!
    Wish you the best!

  17. KirstinMarsh says:

    This makes me so happy because I know that theres someone else out there that has been there before.

    Thanks for the motivation.

  18. zumbafitmama says:

    Hi Amanda,
    Just read your latest blog. I understand your thoughts in reaching your goal, but then what? I had a weight loss goal and not only met but exceeded it. What I realized is my goal should not be a size, a weight, a timeline. There is really is no definitive end, and that thought can be overwhelming. Instead, I now look at exercise and healthy eating as a part of life. It’s part of my everyday, just like getting dressed, brushing my teeth. I’m now 3 years into this new way of living, and I can tell you it does get easier. Forget the number and find a way to love just feeling healthy and good in your skin. Keep changing up your workouts to keep it fun and fresh, enjoy the feeling of eating healthy (but don’t stress if you endulge on an occasional sweet). It’s that mind set that will make you successful. I’m 38 with 3 young kids, a business and lots of responsibilities. If I can include exercise and healthy living into my crazy daily life anyone can!
    Enjoy your new way of life, you are worth it!

  19. nancytex2013 says:

    I’m so happy to find your blog! I feel like your (way older :-)) soul sister! My one week stay at BLR in Malibu was a total game changer for me too. So much so that I made the first New Years Resolution if my life this year: 365 Days of Sweat in 2013. Started a blog to document my journey too.
    Stay strong girl! You got this!!!

  20. ThatGirl says:

    Dear Amanda,
    My name is Molly, i’m 17 years old, and at the the peak of my weight I was 284 pounds. You post brought me to tears, because I ask myself the same questions daily. Why did I let myself get to this point? What caused it? Why did I give up over and over, and when will I finally succeed and will I keep the weight off when I do? Any girl who has ever felt self- hatred should be put on a weight loss journey, becaus you really do learn a lot about yourself and find great love for yourself. Since November, I’ve lost 20 pounds. I feel amazing and I’m not ever going back to who I was 20 pounds ago. I feel like I’ve robbed myself of a childhood (being fat my whole life) and with this journey comes so much more than just weight loss. Reflection, and finding a way to keep going everyday takes the largest toll. You’re a huge inspiration to me, thank you so much for sharing your journey, it reminds me every day to never give up on mine. Sincerely, Molly

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