facing fears

this has been a life changing week for me. it feels so strange to be writing in my blog… it’s been so long since i last put my thoughts into words. i think i’ve missed it. a lot of people have recently told me that i should start it up again. so, here i am!

like i said, this has been a life changing week.

i did things i never thought possible!

  • i took a spinning class at my gym.
  • i went to yoga all by myself.
  • i tried a new yoga studio.
  • i took a bootcamp class at my gym.
  • i tried brussels sprouts.
  • i started keeping a private journal.
  • i bought a bikini.

some of these things were harder than the others. before my first bootcamp, i was scared to death. it took me a couple weeks to work up the confidence to go. but on friday night, i went. i conquered. i LOVED every minute of it! and the best part? i went alone. and i made friends! amazing, right? and i’m going again tonight.

i think the biggest thing this week was the purchase of my bikini. why? that shouldn’t be such a big deal, right?

it happened yesterday when i was early for a coffee date and decided to run into target to waste some time and pick up a few things i needed. right when you walk in the store, there is a huge display of bathing suits. and there was a big sale going on. at first, i looked at them from a distance.

i wanted to get closer to the display of beautiful tops & bottoms… but my nerves were pulling me the other way.

there were so many people around. the voices in my head were saying – “there is NO way you can go look at those. you’re a big girl and people are going to judge you!!!!”

on the other hand, my heart was saying something completely different – “amanda, you are ridiculous! you have EVERY right to look at those bikinis!! you’ve worked hard! you deserve it!”

so i followed THAT part of my heart and went over to the bikini display. no one starred. no one laughed or made any weird faces at me.

i was worried for nothing! then, i took it one step closer and TRIED ONE ON.

to my surprise, i didn’t absolutely hate what i saw. it wasn’t even the biggest one in the store!!!!

then… the fears came back again when i decided that i wanted to buy it. i wanted to buy it so so so badly but the thought of walking through target with a bikini in my hand was S-C-A-R-Y!

i quickly picked up a box of special k cereal that i was going to buy so i could cover the other items in my hands (the bikini) then… to my surprise… the voice in my head came back and was like:

“AMANDA!!! who cares what other people think?!?! yes, you’re a little bit bigger than other people wearing bikinis, but IT’S OKAY!!!! you have lost 75 pounds and DESERVE to show it with PRIDE!!!!!”

so, i bought it. and i am going to rock it.

people of EVERY shape and size deserve to feel beautiful. beauty comes from WITHIN and we ALL need to realize this. we need to be PROUD of who we are. sure, i’m not at my goal weight yet… but that doesn’t mean i can’t love myself with where i am currently.

accept everything about yourself. you are YOU. no apologies. no regrets. love yourself more. no hiding. beauty is everywhere.

xox amanda

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95 thoughts on “facing fears

  1. Kerry says:

    massive inspiration!! well done and keep up the hard work πŸ™‚ xx

  2. Oh my God. You are beautiful. You are my role model, you have lost SO much weight. I hope I can be as great as you one day.

    Sigrid xx

  3. Bernadette says:

    You are beautiful! ❀ I would LOVE to look that good in a bikini!

  4. Stacey Olson says:

    wahooo!!! I loved this post, and you look fabulous!!!

  5. RedLace88 says:

    Beautiful! Congrats Amanda! I can’t wear a bikini because of my stretchmarks and scars from childbirth, but you truly are an inspiration. I randomly scroll thru my news feed on Facebook and when I come across your posts, I always share them with my friends. Keep up the hard work & dedication, you have grown so beautifully from the inside out πŸ™‚

  6. Amanda says:

    You look amazing!!! You are such an inspiration πŸ™‚

  7. Emma says:

    Well done you – I keep looking at your posts for inspiration as have a big pre wedding goal!
    xx

  8. Carina says:

    Hello. πŸ™‚ may i ask how tall you are.. πŸ˜€ But the bikini looks great on you.. πŸ˜€

  9. ellen from Norway says:

    you are truly beautiful!!
    i love love love it πŸ™‚

  10. mishelle says:

    you look beautiful

  11. Meagan Gooch says:

    You are such and inspiration! I think you look amazing! I hope my results are just as awesome as yours! Keep up the amazing work , I look at your profile and blog all the time to help me get through those days when I feel like I just cant do it!

  12. Shonda says:

    You look awesome! You should totally rock it and be proud of ALL of your success!! Keep on inspiring us! I look forward to reading your posts. Thanks for keeping it real!

  13. tony says:

    Wow! What an amazingly beautiful woman you are. Keep up the great work!

  14. jannali says:

    Girl you look amazing! If I had your body I would wear that bikini 24/7 wherever I went. You are absolutely beautiful inside and out.

  15. Haley says:

    Amanda, you are such an inspiration to me. You are a role model!!!! I personally think you look fabulous in the bikini. πŸ™‚ Keep up the good work, we all love seeing your progress!!!

  16. Janelle says:

    Truly inspiring as I myself have found that this journey is much more than a number on the scale. The mental games that we play in our own heads is exhausting. When I go into the bathing suit section I secretly hide behind the fact that while yes I am looking for myself, maybe people will believe that I am shopping for my teenage daughter. You inspire me to be a better person inside and out! keep up the good work!

  17. Mary says:

    You look amazing, I’m with Bernadette, I would LOVE to look that good in that bikini!

  18. keepnupwithj says:

    You’re doing amazing! Keep it up and keep sharing your journey… you ARE and INSPIRATION!

  19. Rachel says:

    You look so fab in that bikini! well done! I have officially started up my new and improved workout today and I loved it! my legs and stomach burn right now as I type this and its fantastic! I hope I can keep as motivated as you πŸ™‚

  20. Samantha says:

    Such a great inspiration and amazing role model for girls and women every where… The world needs more people like you!

  21. Gina Burton says:

    You look absolutely amazing!! You have inspired me to get on the healthy train. As hard as it is sometimes, things like this remind me that I need to do it, because if you can do it then I can do. No quitting.

  22. Beautiful, you are such an inspiration to so many <3. I too as so many others struggled with being the victim of bullying in middle school and high school. It is something no one should have to go through. Keep being kind to yourself and the rest will fall into place. ❀

  23. grobles1170 says:

    You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about!! You look great!! You’ve worked hard, and if anyone has earned bragging rights it’s YOU!! Plus it’s a nifty pattern and suits you well. And I know first hand (work at a Waterpark) that they come WAY bigger! You are gorgeous, and need to start listening when people tell you that! I struggle with body image problems and a few others and your conquering your problems and fears has been an inspiration to me. Please keep on going forward, and don’t think for a moment that you are neither a great person or great looking!

  24. Oh WOW!!!!!! And yes, there IS a difference from last time. You look wonderful!!!!! Way to go!!!!!

  25. Angel says:

    Looking good you can def tell a difference from the last pic, I’ve been keeping up with you for awhile and was wondering what you were currently weighing the last time you did a scale pic I believe it was at 190 so I’m curious where you are from there your currently my motivation πŸ™‚

  26. Amanda Dailey says:

    Amanda you look amazing. I hope to look like you one day. Keep up the great work!!!

  27. Candice says:

    I’m the same exact way, I’ve lost 90. Lbs after having my twins and I’m sooo self conscious about my wearing a two piece, that I went and purchased a monokini instead…..and I think a two piece would just look better….i feel old when I have to wear a one piece. You look awesome though and have a beautiful figure! Keep rocking that bikini!!

  28. Sydney says:

    Amanda
    You look amazing. You are so brave. It’s amazing to be able to see the Ganges you have made for yourself it’s very inspiring. Keep up the fantastic work girl.

  29. Brandie says:

    You look amazeballs!!!!… I love your inspirational pep talks everyday! Be my personal trainer??

  30. Rachel Goode says:

    I am so glad that you bought that bikini and even more glad that you posted the picture with your thoughts. You are an inspiration for women (and probably men too) everywhere. Be proud of who you are and what you do. Stay true to you. Love and best wishes!

  31. Deborah Jo Peterson says:

    You do rock it Girl! If I lost 75 pounds I would Rock one an I would be only be 165 pounds. You look amazing and you have done allot of hard work to get there. Keep it up and continue to face your fears.

  32. Tess McMess says:

    You look amazing, and I’m so glad you went through and bought the bikini!:D

  33. Rita says:

    Amanda, you look so amazing!!!

  34. I think you look awesome in a bikini! You are beautiful and should be SO PROUD of your body!

  35. Britney says:

    I just wanted to say, your pic is NOT what i expected to see after reading the “horror” you felt buying it! I’M SO GLAD YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!!! Y O U AMANDA, LOOK AMAZING!!!!! If i saw you in target buying that I woulda been like “luuuucky you, I’ll never be there!”
    But I hope that is not true! i have started my weight loss journey, I’m still looking for my kick ass motivation and attitude that you have, but i have made changes and look for more to make!
    In one month (just by changing my eating habits) I have lost ten pounds! It feels good that is wasn’t as hard as i thought it would be! I cannot wait to force the time in for consistent exercise!!! I’m very proud of you Amanda, thank you for sharing your success and most of all, for sharing your struggle! I think there are many people who get discouraged when something doesn’t go exactly how they want or envisioned it…. You have helped me open my eyes to the fact that EVERYONE has doubts, it’s finding the strength to keep pushing that i hope to hold on to.
    Keep it up!
    You are amazing!!! =)

  36. tessa says:

    Truly inspiring. πŸ™‚ even if I lost my weight I still don’t think I could gain the courage to show off my body in a bikini. But I have to say you look amazing.

  37. James says:

    in no way shape or form should you be scared to post a pic like this!!! your beautiful inside and out!!! i will say though that i admire the hell out of you… not only are you fearless, determined, motivated, and insightful but your doing this for all the right reasons… your doing this because you want to be fit and healthy not because this is how society wants you to look… your a role model to everyone that subscribes to your page and to be honest i wish that i could be half the person you are… you dont know me and i dont know you (though im from and still live in new england as well lol) but honestly your probably one of the realist people ive ever had the pleasure of semi-knowing lol and for that i thank you

  38. Audrey says:

    Amanda I just watched your BL12 audition tape yesterday and now to see this picture today!!!!!!! You look amazing and should be very proud of your accomplishments and where you are today, even if you aren’t done. Keep up the great work, I’ll be following, watching and putting your tips to use in my lif:>)

  39. Bethany says:

    You are my hero congrats on your hard work!(:

  40. Samantha says:

    This is absolutely beautiful. I wish I had the courage you have. I also have self confidence issues. I always feel everyone is disgusted when they look at me and no matter what I do I can’t overcome that. I cover myself with t-shirts and hoodies. Who wears hoodies during the summer?! Its not normal. There are people bigger than me, why do I feel this way. I want to be able to wear a cute shirt and no hoodie to cover my stomach without feeling everyone is looking at me.

    • Mary says:

      You can have the courage! Doesn’t matter if everyone is bigger than you or smaller than you – you are all that matters! Like Amanda says be kind to yourself! πŸ™‚

  41. Lexie Walker says:

    You are such an inspirational figure in my life! I follow you on Facebook and now this! I’m a workout lover as well and have to watch everything I eat!! We are not alone!! Much love from Tarleton Texas!! -lexie walker

  42. cherie says:

    Absolutely beautiful!!

  43. Hello Amanda!!! You look absolutely amazing girl! I have been following your story for quite a while now…and whenever I need a word of encouragement, I read your status’…you are such an inspiring person, I wish I was lucky enough to know you as a person…you would be an awesome friend and moral support. Keep up your hard work, your amazing!!! πŸ™‚

  44. Sarah says:

    I LOVE that bathingsuit!! You look fantastic in it! Keep up the hard work, can’t wait till summer now!

  45. Olga Estrella says:

    you are a true inspiration!

  46. Mishell Amick says:

    Simply beautiful…you are NOT any bigger than other people who wear bikinis. You inspire me to stop making excuses, to stop being scared of exercise. I have lost 30 lbs, but haven’t given it my all. I do well with food. It’s the exercise portion that I can’t (haven’t) tackled. You should be so proud of yourself. Rock it girl!!

  47. Nikki says:

    You look fabulous!

  48. Harpa Hall from Iceland living in Denmark :) says:

    You are inspiration girl… wow wow wow…you look fantastic and you are sooooooooooooooo cool and your blog and facebook are so good for other girls and boys to see how things can be done…you are inspiration.
    Thank you…

  49. Chris says:

    You should consider that skydive I mentioned before. Nothing builds confidence like the transition from being a passenger to experiencing true human flight. The fear you confront at the open door will make everything else you avoid in day to day life seem silly.

  50. Shawn says:

    Much inspiration Amanda ,

    I’ve followed your progress since you started, in that time I’ve lost 53 lbs buy moderating exercise every send day and slight changes to diet.
    I can’t seem to find the words that describe how beautiful you are! Keep up the good work and look forward to following your progress and blog.
    You are truly an amazing being.

    Shawn.

  51. natalie peters says:

    So very proud of you!!!!! You look great!! You inspire me!

  52. natalie peters says:

    You look great! You are inspirational to many!

  53. jodie says:

    You are amazing! Amanda you look beautiful. You are such an inspiration! Keep going!

  54. Wow. You look great…..and you are an inspiration!!

  55. KC says:

    LOVED this post!!!

  56. kristin says:

    You say things haven’t changed much since your last bikini oil I have to say otherwise your ribcage is much smaller I can see some definition starting to happen you are such an inspiration imagine what you will look like next year you have come so far in such a short amount of time I’m personally fighting my own fitness demons can’t shake my mid day/ evening snacking any tips. My 2nd child is 10months old I’ve lost 42lbs since he was born this last 15lbs is hard to loose

  57. catycrunch86 says:

    Wow Amanda!!! I think it’s gonna take you some time to realise you’re not that person you once were!! You should be super proud of your achievements and you look AMAZE-BALLS (as we say here in Yorkshire, England!!) the haters will hate but we, your supporters, think your brilliant!!
    Your rocking that bikini lass!!!!!
    Ps follow me on Instagram – catycrunch86. I also have a weightloss journey!!!! I’ve lost 10lb in 5 days on Herbalife and exercise! Wahoooo!!!!

  58. Desirae says:

    Girl, you are ROCKIN’ that bikini! Seriously, you look fantastic. You’ve worked hard and deserve to show it off. Good for you!!

  59. Way to go!!!

    This is proof that hard work pays off and to never doubt yourself!

  60. Alicia says:

    Ummm AMANDA!!!! You look GREAT in that BIKINI!!! I’m proud of you! πŸ™‚ love, alicia

  61. C_Niedz says:

    You look absolutely stunning Amanda! Do not be afraid of your own self. I have found such inspiration from reading your posts. Way to go!

  62. claire aitken says:

    Amanda your blog is inspiring me to lose weight with you! So far iv droped more than half a stone and keep getting fitter every day! Last night i looked at youe blog on fb before going to the gym and ran on the tredmill continuously for 20mins (something i never thought i could do so thankyou xxx

  63. Stephanie says:

    Congrats! I just recently started following you on Facebook. You are rockin that bathing suit!!! I pray that one day I have that courage! I have a bikini that hangs in my bathroom everyday… I have the before photos! Now onto the after photos! You are a real inspiration!!!

  64. Zane says:

    Good for you Amanda you look absolutely amazing in your bikini! Get yourself out somewhere warm and show that body off!!! Xx

  65. olivia graham says:

    Great job! πŸ™‚

  66. Ashly says:

    What are you talking about???? On your facebook you said not much has changed but I see a huge difference and it looks amazing you are amazing and such an inspiration to everyone keep up the great work girl were all cheering for you πŸ™‚

  67. Γ₯slaug says:

    Amanda. Do you know what’s really awesome with this picture when you think back at the old one? Your belly is REALLY shaping up. I just lost 60 lbs, so I know how lose the skin on your belly gets (before it tightens up with exercise). Your doing it! Btw, no need to feel bad in that bikini. You’re more than small enough to wear one and look good πŸ˜‰

  68. Katie Wallace says:

    Amanda you are truly and inspiration to so many! I love reading your posts and seeing your pictures daily! You look incredible, keep up all the hard work, so worth it in the end!!

  69. Katie says:

    Amanda! You look so much different then the other bikini picture! You look AMAZING!!!! You are so inspiring! I did the exact same thing at target except I didn’t buy the swimming suit. I am going to go back because of you! You are so awesome! Keep it up girl you look amazing πŸ™‚

  70. Nabe. says:

    Que hermosaaaaa! Nada de que avergonzarse. Usted se merece lucir ese cuerpo trabajado y lleno de fortalezas externas e internas πŸ˜€ enjoy it!

  71. Allie says:

    I just found your blog/FB site last week and I LOVE it. You are such an inspiration. You look great! Be proud of how far you’ve come! πŸ™‚

  72. Lisa Baclet says:

    Good for you! You have worked so hard and deserve to celebrate this purchase. You look beautiful!

  73. Kate says:

    If I’m honest, I thought you are beautiful no matter what weight, you have a a smile that’s is so bright, but if it makes you happy that’s amazing too, never give up you are so inspiring p.s you’re really rocking that bikini! ❀

  74. Rebecca says:

    Oh my goodness!!! You look amazing!!! Tell those negative thoughts to go away. You have power over them. Yell out stop in your head every time! Too beautiful to let the negative thoughts rule your emotions and actions. Sooooo proud of you!!

  75. liss says:

    Whatever! U look so awesome!! Such an inspiration!

  76. Katherine says:

    Thank you for sharing! Agree 100%. You are absolutely rocking that bikini you lucky thing! Well done. I think you don’t need to lose anymore weight you look fantastic!

  77. Lisa Crouse says:

    You look GREAT!! Keep up the wonderful work. Thanks to you I finally got off my butt and started doing something about my weight. I have lost 12 pounds! I want to thank you! You are doing such a good job and you inspire so many people. Thank you! πŸ‘

  78. ann venticinque-ertel says:

    You look AMAZING work it girl πŸ™‚

  79. Anonymous says:

    Hot.

  80. ali201176 says:

    Huge congratulations. I remember you when we became Facebook buddies and you didn’t get the Biggest Loser, you have come sooo far!! Beautiful girl with a huge heart πŸ™‚ love your updates.xx

  81. Lauren says:

    Absolutely love to see this!! I’ve always been taller and just more muscled than other girls, and just felt bigger because of that. But after reading this I’m inspired to trust myself and feel pretty!
    Thanks again Amanda! Your journey is a great inspiration!!

  82. You’ve done an amazing job. I tried n a bikini last night, I’ve not won one for years, and even then I didn’t feel great. I realised that I look ok, and realised just how far I’ve come, after losing nearly 70 pounds. Like you I’m not at goal yet, but I figure we should start celebrating our bodies now!

  83. Kerston says:

    Hi Amanda,
    You look AMAZING!! Show it off with PRIDE as you have worked so hard to get to this point!! You don’t look fat/tubby, you look GREAT and AMAZING!!

    Love Kerston form Australia πŸ˜€

  84. Bianca says:

    You look amazing, you are such an inspiration. Keep working at your goals every day! I have lost over 27kg/59 pounds and I’m not at my goal yet, but I’m learning to appreciate how far I’ve come and start loving what I see in the mirror. I have NEVER worn a bikini and always been embarrassed about my curvy hourglass shape and ginormous boobs, but that negativity is changing because of inspirational girls like you ❀ xxx

  85. Kate says:

    A friend of mine shared this post on her Facebook so I clicked over to see. As I read through your text before the photo I was pumped to give some encouraging words but then I saw your photo and you left me speechless. Not only are you and your body GORGEOUS, but your eyes are totally honest and exhibit chosen-fearlessness. You are an inspiration.

  86. cortney says:

    I’ve been following u for white a while and I always look forward to ur posts. The amount of courage h have is unbelievable. U r truly a inspiration. I just wanted u to know that

  87. Ana says:

    You look fantastic Amanda!!! And you have such a great hour glass figure!!! Keep up the amazing work!! You’re so great!!!

  88. MichaelEdits says:

    It’s a very impressive list, except for the Brussels sprouts. πŸ™‚

  89. Nifty says:

    You know…you got it right when you told yourself…
    β€œAMANDA!!! who cares what other people think?!?!
    The first person you must fall in love with, is yourself…others will follow πŸ™‚

  90. Desiree@ichoosehealthyandfit says:

    Good job! You are rockin’ that bikini! Keep it up & wear it proudly!

  91. Amber G. says:

    You should be so proud of how far you’ve come!! I just looked at your pictures on Instagram and thought to myself “WOW!!” You are absolutely beautiful, girl. I hope you know that. You’re definitely an inspiration to me. I’ve gained some weight over the last year and have been looking for some motivation to get healthy.. Seeing your pics and reading your story, definitely opened my eyes. I’ll pray for you. I truly hope you can find inner happiness and be 100% proud of yourself. Keep up the hard work πŸ™‚

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